TW for sexual abuse.

My dad sexually abused me for years as a kid. He stopped the actual sex part when I was 10 likely because he didn’t want to get me pregnant (I’m trans), and then the molestation and oral sex when I was about 12, and neither of us have mentioned it since. Of course he wouldn’t, he’s an abuser and abusers don’t acknowledge their abuse unless they’re getting a plea deal or something. But the thing is, even though I still remember it, we’ve built a “healthy,” as normal as possible father and son relationship. However, there are some very big problems present that only I seem to be aware of.

When I’m not around him, I absolutely hate him. I want nothing more than to get away from him, I want nothing to do with him, while at the same time wanting to tear him to shreds and show him exactly what he’s done to me.

But the instant he comes into the room, even though I’m still wary of him especially when he gets too touchy-feely, I completely forget those feelings and I feel shame for having them. I doubt myself and my own experience of childhood and I say stuff to myself like: “Oh, it could’ve been worse so it doesn’t really matter. Suck it up.”
If he wants a hug, even though it makes me feel dirty I’ll let him hug me. If he wants to play with my fingers while we’re talking, even though it makes me feel sick I let him. If he wants to touch my back or my neck or kiss my forehead, I’ll let him no matter how disgusting it makes me feel. Anything he wants to do, he can do because I’m afraid of upsetting him.

I know a lot of this probably stems from fear of the worst happening or something like what happened to me as a child happening again though it’s not really helping my cause, but I feel so confused and conflicted all the time. Mixed with the fear is a sense of longing for a normal family life, and the longing is so strong that I feel like I try to act it out sometimes. I try to convince myself that nothing happened whenever we’re together, even when he’s touching me and I want to rip my skin off. I suppose he still holds a lot of power over me, and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I want to leave. That’s all I can say. I want to get out of this house and find a place where I actually feel safe. He hasn’t touched me inappropriately in about a year but I still feel the fear like it was just yesterday that he was doing it to me. I still feel like a little girl around him, and I just want to feel like I have autonomy for once in my life.

I’m just very conflicted in how to feel about him. That’s all.