I believe I have had a nervous breakdown in the past, not sure what a doc might have called it as i never went, but from what i felt like, it was a breakdown. i had for no real concrete reason i could ever pin down just small maybe minor maybe not issues in life that just spiralled out of my control, and i would sit my my closet and cry day and night and everything just seemed like it had ended and i dont want to relive that again, anyway, i long and short of it is that was years ago and now i am fine, just had my first (and last) baby. he is an angelic gem mashaallah, and i am happy. my husband has always been the best man on earth, i have been blessed to have married him. but now again on and off i feel down and am afraid that one day again i am going to spiral towards oblivion. i am afraid for my son's future in an awful world, with bad things happening all around, death, misery, poverty, rudeness, commercialism, taunts, people not loving or trusting each other, so much jealousy and hurt and giving each other hurt etc etc... i have made my life my home's four walls and live sheltered inside. i rarely watch tv, and just watch some indian movies sometimes, quite often in fact, they are fun. friolicking around trees, a hero, a heroine, and some villans, and happy ending. i like that. and sometimes i get some english movies too, mostly non-graphic, less violence, mystery adventure or PG ones, that are fun again. i grew up on disney and then the dream broke, when you find out people aren't like those in lassie's world. anyway, recently i brought a pakistani drama serial to watch, i had stopped watching those for a few years because they had so many beautiful people in them and such beautiful places and i always felt cheated out of life, that why is their life so pretty and happy and mine so hard-working and miserable. anyway, i doubt you can understand this, i am just typing as it is a relief for me to type and write out my feelings sometimes and just know that maybe someone is reading them and may feel a bit for me that yes, i know what you are feeling. anyway, i am pretty versatile in english but sometimes i just write in gibberish just coz so pls dont mind me, you can delete this post later if you like.
anyway, dr, my things is this. now i feel so ugly. i have always been ugly - dark, skinny, 80lbs, very hairy all over, my teeth are horrible, i had braces as a child and now again as an adult but i have not been to ortho for a year now as we moved and i have not been able to find a reliable ortho in my new area and now i am nearly 30/31 or 32 maybe and i feel like what the hell, i am so old, who will want to look at an old ugly chit. my husband btw is very fair and looks like adonis, and his family too, who i dont speak to anymore. he is a good person tho. i dont know what he saw in me to love me. we married early, i feel like i trapped him. anyway, forget ALLLLL that. what i want to know is - how do i feel beautiful again? i am not very rich, and all the new beauty methods need money. i'm tired of waxing etc nearly every week. i hate my teeth, my eyes are huge, my skin is ugly, and my face is lopsided. not even a volunteering plastic surgeon could make me anywhere near beautiful. what should i do. i feel ashamed i am, the ugly mother of such a pretty child mashaallah (he takes after his father thank god). people when they see me feel pity for me. i feel old and tired, and i am exceptionally lazy when it comesto even feeding myself. i dont know what to do. ok maybe now ill go eat, but that still wont make me pretty. pretty people have atleast one less worry in life, that they dont look presentable. they atleast can look at themselves and smile. i cant even do that, so i dont even look in th emirror. help?