Hi ShareYourStory

Firstly I am so sorry that happened to you
And I can completely get the feeling of anger........and maybe betrayal and I'm sure a lot of other feelings too
I'd say that it would be an instinctive response to question "Why......." in that situation especially when you see so many other parents.........well, being actual parents.
And certainly after what you've been through you're going to know, what was missing/what a child needs.........so "Why couldn't your mother just........."
But you know, some "parents" just don't have it in them, some are just not capable of everything/anything parenting should be about..........for some it's out of their range of thinking/feeling/ability...........

And I 101% get the feeling behind that anger that it shouldn't be like that, because it absolutely shouldn't be like that for you/for any child...........just for some parents.......they are helpless/powerless in "doing the right things"..............
Now you didn't deserve that treatment then..........but as well you don't deserve for her to still be hurting you in the feelings you have right now...........she held you back enough she sure doesn't deserve to be holding you back anymore........to be putting some of those blocks on caring for yourself.
In fact now you deserve to be cared about, and to care about yourself even more after the deficit...........so give yourself that chance, hey??
Put yourself and your well-being above all of that as much as you can??
You do deserve better
You always did deserve better.........but as well, you deserve better now.

And maybe when you're thinking back on how it felt.........perhaps you can think of the things you'd say now to the child you were then.........the reassurance, the empathy, the caring you'd offer, the telling them/you that it isn't their/your fault, the telling them that they do matter, the reminders that things can/will get better when...........
And give that to yourself now as well, because you deserve that

Because you're right you do deserve a better life ahead of you, to be able to "let go" of some of this, and to move on in making your life into more of what you want it to be.



Alison