My mom has been trying to nail down my plans for an upcoming holiday. I usually attend the family dinner with the person who traumatized me (and T spends several weeks picking up the pieces). It will be at the person's house this year and for the first time ever I said I would probably be out of town. She tried to push me into saying that if I was in town I would attend because "we" had decided that, and I said, "I decide if I go. But I will probably be out of town." She got very quiet and made an excuse to end the conversation.

The guilt is killing me. I know she is probably hurt and angry that I am not participating in the "happy family" play she envisions. I feel bad about that. But jeez, I have been a mental disaster for 25 years because of this and isn't it time for me to suffer a little less?

I say that, while I dissolve into a panicky mess here in the corner.