I don't know if what i'll type will make a whole lot of sense but here i go. to be honest i'd say 70% or so of the days i missed were because i couldn't get myself to get out of bed, leave the house, be awake or deal with anyone. The other 30 was because my kids were sick, kids had lice, i was actually illness sick and not mental sick. I was having a really low episode where if i said i didn't care would mean i actually cared enough to not care. As a friend once put it, i'm about three stories below rock bottom and it don't look like the elevator is stopping anytime soon. I wasn't suicidal but a couple of times i would wake up disappointed that i actually woke up. I can't point to one cause or several for that matter. But it started after I got my 90day review that gave me more of a raise than most people get because i am a damn hard worker when i'm in a "normal" state of mind, the guy who was suppose to train me i ended up showing him how to do the job because what i do for a living is not rocket surgery. As for leaving for a period of time, not an option with the company. All they care about is a warm sober enough to work body. I've seen them let good people go because they went to their grandfather's wake and were gone for a week. And legally they can do that because it was not a parent, sibling or their child so FMLA here in the US did not cover the employees legally. But on a positive note and oddly enough, i'm actually grateful for the write up. It was the one thing that actually got through to me enough to make me fight back. It made me realize if i lose this job it affects more than just me and there was no other jobs in the community for me.

And on a side note, when i'm on a upswing i tend to get very very long winded. And i try to honor my first nation ancestors whenever i can. Have tried to visit the oldest member of my first nation bloodline but he didn't know who i am because of alzheimer's so i respected his family's wishes and never went back. My wife doesn't understand the having a picnic in a graveyard and talking to the graves as if the person was actually there but she understand it's part of who i am even if my parents and sister don't.
And lastly, thank you for actually replying. I wasn't honestly expecting anyone to. It really meant something to me to know someone out there actually read it.