I haven't told my psychiatrist about the breakdown I had this morning in my car in front of Starbucks. I just said to God-which I say a lot, "sorry, but i can't hold it in anymore" things piled up and tears just came down my face this morning. I take Suboxone for pain and opiate addiction and Librium for anxiety, I was hyperventilating--they seemed to help, now just trying to rest. I'm looking forward to the new year, and i do need to tell my psychiatrist, I see him again next week. I'm in limbo right now about whether to move backup to Northern California--which would mean I may have to wait to back to college in the Fall, or stay where I'm at and finish school this year at the school I have been going to. I am hoping I can finish, but if I'm having mood swings, i will not be able to succeed at finishing.
Antidepressants do not agree with me, and bipolar meds do not either, I suffer from a little bit of PTSD, Anxiety, and depression and mood swings. As far as the pity pot issue--many many people tell me I am a strong woman--ok, I appreciate that, but it doesn't make up for the INTENSE fear I have about going out to meet new people abnd trust them. I like to be a lone to a certain extent, but am a lot happier when I'm with other people. BPD has been talked about because my relationships with people have been all over the board---but then again, i take the blame for most things that go wrong--so it'shard to believ a "label". I feel like I'm just a woman who is very lost, and am sick of living in the town i live in. I am free to go wherever I choose right now, and of yo thin about it, that is a HUGE place to be in, a huge decision has to be made at this point, considering factors. I have done so much work on myself, my past, what makes me tick, it's time to let the past go. I worry so much and when icompare myself to my peers---I feel like dying. Somehow i just try to believe that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. If it weren't for medication, I wouldn't survive right now. I've been trying to get to the root of the problems), but life is going on....