S (ex T...friend...whatever you are)

Honestly, I wasn't upset or anxious that you didn't respond immediately. You told me you were leaving for Mexico on Sunday, you told me you may just unplug - there was really no other conclusion for me to come to than you left for Mexico yesterday and were likely unplugged for however long. I asked like 3 times Saturday and Sunday how long you were going for, and you won't say, but you also didn't say you wouldn't say, so I kept asking as I wasn't sure if you saw the question. I'm not going to apologize either - I was operating with the info you gave me.

And, honestly, I'm not implying you're an asshole. I'm implying that I think you either want me to leave you alone for a while or want me to leave entirely (and not because you hate me or want to hurt me but because of stuff you're going through). It's really effing hard watching someone I love so much go through this, watching you change so drastically, and at the same time being pushed away after being so close for so long. You're entitled to push and change, but I'm going to have strong feelings about it, and I'm not going to be able to pretend that I don't.

In any case, now I am the one who needs a break. I was trying to get you on the phone so that we could talk about it there and not via text. I hate text. You can’t hear my voice. You can’t hear how hard this is for me, can’t “know” that I’m crying in the moment while I ask for this, I can’t hear any sincerity or emotion from you at all through text. Text is cold. Brutal. But, if that’s my only option, then I’ll take it.

I wanted to get on the phone because I wanted to find out first about your staging and type of cancer so that I could know if you’d be OK for a while while I took a break to figure out who I am and how I’m going to function apart from you again. But, I’ve also asked about that about 5 times, and you’ve not acknowledged it, so I’m guessing you either don’t know yet or don’t want to tell me. (Again -- operating under impressions, not facts, and I know that. I’m working with the info I have.)

It terrifies me saying I need a break and NOT knowing if you’re going to be ok during it. I would ask that you respond to THIS message letting me know if we can be OK....if I can take this break from communication and come back and be your friend. Could you let me know? I would also ask just.... if something happens for you health-wise if you could please please let me know. I’d honestly also like to know if you are back in the area at all, because if you do come back here for whatever reason, I WOULD really like to see you.

I doubt this break from communication will be long. But I need it. And I hope you’ll understand and forgive me. I am just not functioning without you. Losing you from the capacity in which I had you truly feels like having lost a big part of my identity. Since I no longer have your office or “you” as the place where that small, broken child part of me could come out and find comfort and maybe even grow, I need to figure out how to handle that part of myself elsewhere. With J, Group, alone, I don’t know. But I know that I keep trying to run back to you. I am not strong enough to keep myself from running back to you right now.

I’m thinking...like a month-long break. Just so you know timeline. But, again, if you could just...respond to this, tell me if we can be OK, if I can take this break and still come back and be your friend. And if you can tell me even during this break if you come back to the area and there’s any possibility I could see you... or if anything changes with your health.... I’d really appreciate it. I love you. I love you. I love you.