I posted this in the BPD forum, but I am also posting here because I'm feeling so alone and needy and desperate for people to be with me right now. I'm sorry for carrying on about this situation. I just can't be alone right now.

I’m adjusting to losing my therapist, and I realized that I’ve had large parts of my identity wrapped around what I thought he liked. I presented myself the way I thought he would find intriguing, even when I wasn’t around him and had no expectation of seeing him. All the time, I thought about how I would appear to him. It wasn’t strictly about being like him, it was strategic opposites too, things I hoped he would see as wrong that needed fixing.

This morning, I stared into my closet and realized I don’t know what kind of clothes I like. Shoes in particular, I bought them because I thought he would like them. My clothes don’t feel like they are mine. There are so many things I chose based on his preferences: journals, planners, glasses, handbags, water bottles, nail polish, jewelry, pens. In a way I feel free now, I can choose what I like, but I don’t know what I like. I’m not just losing him, I’m losing me.

I wonder what the next person will be like and whether I will grow attached to them. I wonder what kind of shoes they like. But what kind of shoes do I like? Me, actual me. Can my next journal have flowers on it? Would that be okay? Can I scratch the idea of getting a tattoo like his wife’s?

I feel lost at sea. I don’t know who I am without an anchor.

It has always been this way. One person after another.