While mammals are predisposed to nurturing behaviours: cuddling, hugging, kissing, touching, all of those need to be learned. You sounds as if you hatched from an egg and made your way to adulthood all by yourself.

If you know of your childhood that you were properly nurtured (and I mean physically, mentally, AND emotionally, not just fed and clothed) by your parents, perhaps there is something else, some other sort of betrayal that made you block yourself off from nurturing.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I hated my mother for as long as I can remember. I didn't want her to touch me, and remember pushing her away when she tried to hold me or kiss me. My father's touch on the other hand, felt...off, and though I loved him, I avoided physical contact.

That resulted to some degree in my not being touchy when I matured physically. I hated holding hands, found hugs bizzare, clumsy and pointless, kisses revolting, and while all that touching and groping produced a feeling of arousal, it felt unnatural and I always pressed on to be done with it as fast as possible. I really didn't even know why I was seeking out opposite gender, sex wasn't pleasan't, foreplay was something to be endured, so what was it I wanted?

Over the years I have changed, and discovered the feelings that go with stroking lover's head, embracing and kissing, I learned to open my heart and feel the blending of heartbeats and souls in a hug. However, my case was not quite as deep as yours.

I believe you are missing a great big part of human experience, and I also believe it's not to late for you to open it up for yourself. You may want to pursue a therapy, or you may create a therapy in your life.

And don't give up on women. You seem to think we are all about expectations of performance. Find someone who will be your friend first, object of sexual fulfillment later. Someone patient who maybe will teach you how it it to be loved through touch - you need to first learn to receive, before you can hope to know how and what to give. And if you doubt that it is possible for you to ever find such a friend, after all you are a bit different than average Joe, try to open up to someone starting from a relative anonymity. Online for example. I know a lot of people with various level of social handicap who formed caring relationship online and whose relationship carried into a real life.

Best luck to you