Welcome to psychcentral, I'm glad you are seeking some help for the problems you're facing. You never have to go it alone!

Please correct me if I'm off base here, but based on the problems you've described, it sounds like you might be struggling with some gender role issues. Toxic masculinity is a real problem - when you feel like you can't express yourself in a healthy way, that you've "lost your balls", or that you should be fighting to defend yourself, that sounds like unhealthy gender stereotypes to me. I could also see that having a role to play in your porn addiction. You aren't meeting the expectations you believe you should be meeting as a person/man (not standing up for yourself for example), and you are punishing yourself in the form of self loathing. Even calling yourself a coward is indicative to me that you may have some unrealistic expectations set up for yourself. Just remember that just like women need to break free from the gender roles that have been imposed on them, so do men. You are allowed to be who you are and that doesn't mean you lost your balls or that you are a coward. When we can let go of the expectations of gender roles, we can be who we are meant to be, whatever that looks like. Once you have a healthier perspective on what it is okay for you to be, you may find it easier to break out of addictive patterns. Shame has a nasty way of turning us in ourselves and causing our darkest parts to fester and eat us up. Be honest with yourself about who you are and who you want to be, see yourself for who you are without expectation or judgment, and you just may find you don't need to hide from yourself in your addictions anymore. Even things like acne seem so insignificant when you learn to accept yourself. Happiness is beautiful. Wishing you healing and strength <3