Last thursday's session:
I came up to the building and T was not there. It was about 15 mins to the hour. I was debating what to do, there was lots of cars and seemed busy. I think I had decided to walk on up to Everett and around a bit when she came along and got my attention. She offered for me to come in and cool of in the air. I said sure. I followed her around as we figured out the doors. Front door open so she thought alarm would be off. We went around to the back. The back door would not open. We came back to the side and in. This side office still had no furniture. She went to show me how the back-door entrance would work. She stopped at the stairs. She wondered about the alarm. I looked at the keypad that was on the wall and said that one was turned off. She asked one of her office mates about the alarm. He was in one of the offices putting together furniture and in general setting up his office. He explained the system. As I stood there, I wondered what he thought of me. I felt pathetic that I couldn’t wait a week before seeing her so that they would have time to get their stuff all set up. She showed me the door and path I should take. I showed she the note that said keep door locked. That could be a problem. We went back downstairs and I went back to the waiting room. She asked me if there was furniture in when I was in on Monday and I said no, just the 2 chairs in her office and the stuff left in the closet. I stayed in the waiting area and she went back to her office. I got my notebook out and checked my phone. I had a PM here on PC. I read the message and was about to reply when T came back out. She offered for us to start earlier and said that it kind of felt artificial to wait. I said that it is if she didn't have anything to do but if she do, then I can wait. We walked back to her office. She had some stuff on the wall, a folding table for her desk, 2 chairs along the East wall, with an end table between them, and some pillows on the floor in the corner. There was a pillow in one chair, she told me to sit where every, whichever chair I wanted

We talked about the paperwork she needed me to sign. She said it was just the HIPPA paperwork of the medical association webpage. She talked a little about what it was and offered to allow me to read it. I'm like yeah, yeah... ok it is just the HIPPA stuff right, no office policies??, Ok, I signed the paperwork and tucked my copy inside my notebook. I said something about it’s official, she’s my doc again.

I said I got her a present. I reached into my bag and pulled out a box of the tissue I had bought on my way there. She didn’t have any on Monday. We talked/laughed about the tissue and she said that she had thought about it today and had lots of toilet paper as back up. She asked if we should open it up. I said yes. Lately, I’ve been doing a fair amount of crying so yeah, might as well get it ready. She opened it and put it on the table. There she goes all official, I signed the paperwork and she have tissue out – ready for business.

I asked she how she was doing with everything. She said good, one thing at a time. She seemed good. I don't recall if she asked or if I just offered that I was ok. I was doing ok. I looked at my list of things and paused. I didn't want to talk about anything on there. She asked me how Wednesday went. I told she about starting my period. We joked/talked about the joys of periods. I said that I am still biologically female... for now, and she said yes a few months. It's gross and annoying but other than that, it doesn't cause me any gender issues. We wondered if this had anything to do with my weekend, the achiness, and low energy. Yeah, probably.

From here, she asked about the email on Wednesday. I said yeah, I had some stuff highlighted to talk about regarding that. And I paused. I still didn't want to read the highlighted stuff. Needed, useful things to talk about it. I pulled out the journal and found my spot. I said that it really started Tuesday night.

We talked about the word OK and what it can mean to me at certain times. I read to her parts of the private side journal regarding what Ok means... [on the phone call before her vacation, I was struggling and we had been talking for about 15-20 mins when I blurted out that I loved her. Her response was ‘Ok’. That is what shut me down and caused me to feel like none of this was ok, feelings, sharing, being the little boy]
Ok means you are not listening, Ok means you don't care, Ok means whatever. Ok means leave you alone. Ok means I am dismissed. I then read part of the public part of the journal... where I told wife that I think some of the times when I have issues when she tells me OK it is because I am feeling dismissed. She said that some of the time I am being dismissed and that I am probably so in tune that I can tell the difference. I asked T if her OK meant I was being dismissed? It felt like it. [that she was done talking and wanted me off the phone, maybe because she thought a was ramping up in an emotional state rather than calming down, I don’t know]

I looked up at her and she said no, her nonverbal (empathy?) was congruent with the no. Congruent seems like such a void of emotion word. There was lots of emotions in her eyes as she said no – she meant no. I don’t know what she was feeling. I took it as genuine response of caring and… maybe sorrow that I had felt dismissed.

We talked about this for a while, about the phone call, about the OK about the parts. She was concerned about the fact that she says ok a lot. I tried to explain that it's not just the word but the context and the nonverbal elements. She said that we weren't in person so we were missing that. I said yeah. However, there is still rate, pitch, volume... and such. I went on to use the example of something little like trying to decide what to have for dinner and how the discussion can go back and forth for a bit and then someone can say OK. She said and stopping the conversation. And maybe I wanted to have more discussion because it seemed like maybe it wasn't ok. I said yes.

I read the rest of the public journal portion:
I told her that I didn't like where the thoughts were going so I stopped. I didn't stop thinking them, I stopped writing them/typing them and I went to bed, I cried myself to sleep. I told her that wife had already gone to bed. She said something about breaking the pattern (she used a different word here). I wasn’t so sure I broke the pattern as much as I just didn’t want it to ramp up to a full negative state and it was late so I was able to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

We talked more about the phone call and the parts. I said that as I had written, I was talking through the parts. I didn’t talk about the older boy but I did talk about the younger girl. I recalled T saying that she wouldn't offer anything she wouldn't give, that was what the younger girl needed to hear. She doesn’t like to be in the way, prefers to be invisible and feels guilty whenever anything is given to her. I kind of drifted off here. I didn’t want to say what was on my mind so I faded a bit. I was thinking about the little boy’s, “I love you” and how it just piped up and out, like a little kid interrupting the others talking. I don’t remember what I was talking about during this time.

At one point, she said that the little boy needed to hear "I know". I said yes. T can't say it back to me, she can say she care about me, she like me(?). I think "I know" is better most the time. I know it seems like an odd preferred response. It is an honest response, it ... hmmm don't know how to describe why it works for me. Maybe because it feels like she knows it regardless if I am saying it, that she feels it and accept it. Does she accept it as real or is she just patiently waiting for this phase/stage to pass?

We talked about the Wednesday email. She asked me what it was like. I think I smiled, I pulled out my work phone, I brought up the notifications and cleared all the extra ones leaving just hers. I showed it to her. She was surprised how much I get to see just on the notification screen. I told her that as long as I don't unlock the phone, it will stay there for a few days. Oddly, I wasn't embarrassed in the moment of sharing with her about it. A bit more embarrassed now .. typing this up. I felt “happy” when she asked about the email about thinking about the email. The good feeling I get when I see her name, a connection? Not sure how to explain it which is why I showed her it and tried to show her how I felt through my expressions.

I read more from the private part of the OK entry. I read the first line. "He told us to talk to you and you Ok'd us." Then the last lines, "Now he says don't talk to you. We aren’t not ready to talk about this." I chuckled because I was talking about it. Between those 2 lines is/was the list of what Ok means.

At some point she said she is here. Maybe that was when I was fading. Not sure why she said it or when.

At another point, I was staring at the table, the paint splatter design and then I looked up towards the window, not much to see there and not a good angle for me. I made comment about being used to looking out the windows behind she and that there wasn’t much here to look at but the table. I don’t like the way we sat today. I’m hoping her couch will be in on Monday and we can try that.

I read to her from the journal, I told she that I remembered sharing with her the field trip, saying goodbye to the room/fort/floor space, and showing her how I calmed down. She was confused on this last one so I described which session, about how I was upset because she had not responded to the email at all and I had needed a minute. She remembered. I said I couldn't share it with her. I couldn’t let she see me do those things. Talked about what it would have been like if things would have been better between us. She asked me what I envisioned that would have been like. I said that it would have been interactive. Not therapized, but interactive. Talking about it together. She asked, like about shots and angles and such. I said yes. I said that I wrote about what I did during that time, how I spent it. She asked me what it was like to be in the corner. I paused, sighed, paused, how to describe what it was like… finally I said it was a hug. She said I had been waiting a long time for that hug. I said yes. I said that I sat there much longer than I thought I would. I could have sat there for longer, I wanted to but I also wanted to touch the filing cabinet and say goodbye to it. I didn’t really get that, because she knocked on the door and the crates took too much time to wiggle back into the corner. I’m sure she would have waited but I felt self-conscious about the time and the gift she gave me. I did a quick touch of it and then opened the door for her.

I looked at my watch and it was 35 after the hour. I said that I didn't look at my watch to see what time we started so I don't know when time is up. She said that she didn't look either and that we could go to usual ending time.

I pulled out the other highlighted portion of the journal and handed it to her to read.
She paused while she was reading it and read out loud the "allowing myself to feel them" statement. She said that was a powerful statement.

I talked about how hard, weird it is to feel so unable to take of myself. I started talking about the little boy and not being able to relax and be him around she. That I came in here and didn’t act like I felt but stayed the adult. She said that maybe it isn’t about behaving like a 4 yr old but bringing those qualities to the adult (something like that). I said some stuff, not sure what then I said that it is hard to describe – meaning where I am right now in my head. I used the blender analogy and the parts. Still seemed like I wasn't doing a good job of explaining it.

I asked she if she had ever been through this process. She clarified my question. She paused at answering, I said she didn't have to answer. She said she would rather not at this time. She asked me what I thought, if I thought she had. I said that I didn't know. That part of me wanted to know because it is so hard to describe what is going on inside and I might feel like it was easier if she had been through something similar. I continued by saying that people go to therapy for many different reasons and have different needs within their therapy. So, even if she had got through something short or long, that doesn't mean that she would have experienced things the way I have, and so on. She said that it is nuanced. She said it made sense, my curiosity about it.

Our time was up and she remembered about Thursday the 13th. We talked about the 13th and set the time for 12:45pm. We talked about bringing food into session and if she were open to that, what would she want… and such. She said that she would accept a small amount of milkshake. I confirmed with she that the flavor would be ok. I told she that I wanted to celebrate my B-day with she, that I didn’t know how to tell wife this. She smiled (open, warmly) and said she’d be honored to celebrate my B-day. [B-day’s are not good memory days and I prefer to not have a big thing happen for my B-day]