Quote:
Originally Posted by Misssy2
tree..hi..
First I want you to know i am an alcoholic..I had 8 years sober once and went thru the "steps" reluctantly..when we got to the part of "amends"...I balked at it big time..
And most of my apologies I treated like a checklist and people that know me...knew I was just aplogizing because that is what the rules said...lol...
I don't know how long you were a nanny to the child.
But, I can tell you feel so hopeless over this situation and I get it you are hurting and...you are owning YOUR PART in the situation...BUT..I can look at it like this..it was "Blanks" birthday...why wasn't the mother with the child? And you did so many positive things probably prior to this day and on this day and you are focusing on the one thing that was bad..and yes, it was really bad.
But, the mother did the right thing for her family due to the condition you were in at the time...you were "sick".
Children are resilient I'm sure the child misses you or missed you for a period of time..how old was the child at the time?
Cause maybe the child wouldn't remember you..my mother says we don't remember things before the age of 6...The child is safe....for yourself..I wish you would find a way to forgive yourself.
How many years ago was this? I am sorry I have so many questions...I can see how bad you feel....is there a way to get in touch with them?
Sober of course...even if you ever drank again...you have come to a point in your life that this is really bothering you and pulling you down when you need to be lifted up. Seems you need to either write a letter to the Mom and child (depending on age)...and explain that the way you parted has saddened you and you wanted to let them know that you have realized how sick you were at the time and how much danger you feel you put the child in and how you wish you could take it back...but you can't and you are sorry for that.
I hope you bump into them too...speak from your heart....nothing to do with AA...just get rid of this burden for yourself...
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Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I was a nanny for the family for 2 years, I was there to watch him begin to take on personhood and learn to speak. We spent all day every day together during that time. His older brother was severely autistic, so the parents were very often engrossed what was going on with the other child. I almost felt like another mom to him in some ways, which is part of why it was so devistating. He was so young though, I'm really doubtful he'd remember at this point. He would be 7 now. I wasn't that close with the parents because they weren't around much. I think I saw the father from across a grocery store once, but he either didn't recognize me or pretended not to. Honestly, I completely understand why they terminated the relationship the way they did. They could have pressed charges or something and they didn't, and for that I am endlessly grateful. They blocked me on facebook (understandably). I'm not sure if they still live in the same house or not, I could probably write a letter but at this point I'm too afraid to re-open that chapter. Part of me really hopes they forgot about me. I hope they found an amazing person to take over my role and I hope all the time that they are well and happy. Maybe the best thing I can do for them is to just leave them alone, I doubt they would want to revisit that awful day. I can only imagine how terrifying it must have been for them to find me that way. I did send the mom a long apology the day after it happened, and I think maybe in the months that followed I deliberately repressed what she said back to me, because even though I can picture myself opening her text very clearly, I can't remember at all what it said. That may be for the best, too. Someday I'll figure out a way to live with this. I count my blessings every day that no one was hurt and they let me go in peace.
Again, thank you thank you thank you for your kindness.