(((((((((((((Turquoisea))))))))))))))))))))

Good advice, now I have to practice at it. Many times I feel just like laying down and closing my eyes to every sound, feeling, surrounding and emotion and keeping them shut until the pain subsides. Raw right now, too painful to look at and deal with, tearing me up inside, but there's no one to erase the tape that plays in my head. The urge to fight back and stand my ground is just buried too far down right now. I don't care much about anything and can't seem to get the energy to feel the pain and cope rationally with it. Does this make me a coward or what? I know I have to live on for my son, but sometimes it all gets muted and dull and my reasons for living go out the window. I try and know I have to because of him and that is the only reason I don't give completely up and let the depression consume me. It's not easy pretending to be happy for the holidays and going shopping for presents, but I do. My heart is so heavy and I am struggling just to make it through each day. I hope the hurt and the pain goes away so I can feel again and find out who I am.