Monday's session..

I got to the building and T was not out front. There were no cars in the parking lot. I was 15 mins early so I headed around back unsure if the door was going to be open. I opened the door slowly and T was coming up the hallway with a broom. She said that she wanted to go sweep the stairs/walkway. I pointed to the door where the sign to keep the door locked used to be and how it was now gone. She said that how earlier she had gone up to the store and in the time, she was gone, the door got locked so she had removed the sign. I went on down and used the restroom, then went into the waiting room. I checked my phone and started reading my journal.

I waited, I’m not sure if we waited all the way to the start time or if T came out early. T’s office mate came out 2 times looking for someone. It was kind of interesting having him come out and look around. I was thinking you guys need little camera’s or lights or something but then thought that would be kind of freaky at the same time.

T came out and got me and we headed back. I got into her office and she had more stuff. As I entered, T said to sit anywhere I wanted. The room is coming together. Three bookcases against one wall and a couch, and an area rug. T had moved the little table too. I sat my bag on the couch, placed my water on the floor and sat on the couch. I sat there a moment and I said that I was checking out the space. Really I was trying to get a feeling for the space and to calm myself. Did I seem stressed? I wonder if I don’t always show the level of hmm, anxiety/discomfort I am feeling internally. T had moved the filing cabinet out of the closet and put it by the door. It is not close enough to lean against and wouldn’t work from the couch anyway.

I sat for a moment, looking around and trying to decide what I was going to do today. How I was going to be, how I was going to tackle the topics. I stood up and moved my bag to the floor and sat down on the floor and pulled my knees to my chest. T said something, I don’t remember. She asked me if I wanted her on the floor. It did feel weird to have her sit up in the chair, she was so far up there. I didn’t like it but I didn’t know if I wanted her on the floor too. Things too messed up in my head. She reassured me that either was ok. I said that I would prefer her to sit on the floor too. This was more because of not liking her in the chair than wanting her on the floor. I was scared about the day.

Something was said about only 4 days between sessions. I said that I wrote something on Friday about it always being 72 hours at this point so what is really different… without the AVS. She nodded in understanding. I should have added something about having found them valuable. No promises to do anything about it, just acknowledgement that it is a change with the move. I said once that they were something T gave me without me initiating contact. They felt like something just from her. Maybe that was never a good thing to have, not appropriate for this relationship and she was able to use the move as a way to reset that expectation. It feels like I am having distorted thoughts/feelings around this; making it out to being something it is not. I don’t know, They’re gone and she didn’t say anything about it, she blank slated it and that didn’t feel good in this situation because it allows my mind to fill in the gaps with whatever reasons it can come up with. In this case, she is glad to have a way to get out of them without being the one to stop them, natural consequences.

<something here, don’t remember>
Then I pulled out the journal and started talking about stuff in a general way. Then I got that embarrassment smile and told myself to just read it. She was being patient, smiling.

I stopped and went silent. T said something that I don’t remember. I said I was fighting myself over the rules. I felt distant. I was looking at nothing. Sometimes I would look at T. At one point, T looked pained, I think that was when I said I was fighting myself over the rules. Me and my rules. Maybe she was reflecting how I was looking/feeling. T asked me what that was like. I sat there. Then I pulled out the book. I said something about bringing the book.

I held it tightly in my hands. She asked if I wanted to read it, if I wanted her to read it. I said I don’t know. I said not supposed to bring it, not supposed to share. I sat there holding it tightly, rubbing my thumb over it. I said I break rules I be bad. Distant, tears in eyes but not falling. She asked my rules or other people’s rules. I said either or. I sat there holding the book, looking at the cover, touching it. After a bit of time she said but I brought it and I took it out of my bag. She asked me something wondering what it was about. I said I read it lots of times, I know what it is about. I said only one page really matters to me and I flipped to the page. I still had the book in my hands so she could not see it. I looked at the page, more tears in eyes. I wanted to hear the words, I wanted her to say the words. She asked me when I first read it. I said months ago, that I’ve had it for like 3 months. She said so in the spring. Yeah I had it before her vacation. She asked me what it is like to read it. I said I read it at work. I said that all the books are in a drawer at work. She asked me what it is like to read it at work. I said no one is there…. I’m not answering her questions. Do you get that I don’t feel safe reading it when other people are around, that I don’t feel safe having them at home? No one is there, I can read the books, I can trace the pictures and the letters. I can touch them and no one will laugh at me. Some other stuff was said, I don’t remember.

Finally, I sat the book on the floor between us, I opened it to the beginning and turned it facing T. T moved closer and turned in a way that she was leaning/laying on the floor. It felt good. I told her the story based on the pictures and from reading the story before. It was like when a little kid that doesn’t know how to read has had a picture book read to them so many times they know the story or the general story and tell you the story as if they are reading it. We got to the page of Expectations for the class and I read those rules/expectations. Then we got to the page of Expectations for Ms. Mya and I stopped telling the story, I stopped reading. T read the page silently to herself. She asked if this was the page and I said yes.



T asked if I wanted her to read them, I shook my head and said no/I don’t know/not now. I kept staring at the first like. Believe in you.. no one believes in me… believed in me. No one told me they believed in me. I want so badly for T (for mommy, for my mom) to say the words. I want to hear them. I’m not sure I would hear them. Something was said, I think T asked if I thought she felt/thought those things. I said yes, that I think she feels them.

More things are said, I’m responding... I don’t like what she is saying, I shake my head, I don’t remember what she said. She was wrong whatever it was, I didn’t want it and I wanted her to stop talking about it. She paused in midsentence and waited. After a moment, I said that there was anger too. I said I don’t know what about but I wanted to pull the book back and rip the pages up and shove it in my bag or throw it against the wall. I think I said this might have only thought it… that if she said that line… “Believe in you” I wouldn’t believe her. I actually could see myself putting my fingers in my ears stomping about saying I don’t hear you. (I didn’t tell her that). It would be a lie. She said something about tearing the letters apart.

I asked T why did I need to hear the words. She talked about different types of learning/knowing – different ways things are written on your soul/heart. I said that I need to hear it lots of times. She said/I said?.. maybe that I didn’t hear it before. Sympathy/empathy from her. She agreed with me hearing it over and over again. She was sitting close to me .. I felt close to her. I thought that I wanted her to write up her own list, what would be her list for me. I thought “make it yours so I could believe it”… so that it wouldn’t be as mixed up in the transference, maybe I could believe it if it was her words?

Slight pause and I said something like I’m afraid of Thursday. T was puzzled and said something about what I had read about the previous Thursday. I said no the upcoming Thursday. I said I was afraid that I would take something wrong and taint the memory. This kind of clicked for T. She said some stuff/asked some questions and I said yes, I felt she understood. She said doing it wasn’t worth the risk of it being a bad memory, I said yes. I felt good/heard/understood. T sighed, I think in relief. She seemed “happy” to get it, maybe happy isn’t the right word… things lightened … She asked me what do we do? Big smile, change in tone, change in energy of the room. I said I didn’t know. She said she didn’t know. But I felt things ease. It felt conspiratorial. Some things were said I don’t remember exactly what was said, we were still trying to figure out what we do, when all of a sudden I reached in my bag and pulled out the exclamation mark book and handed it to T. I said read it (did I say please?). There didn’t seem to be actual thought about this. It was out of the bag and in her hands before I kind of realized what I was doing. She seemed happy to read it to me again. We laughed and giggled through it. T seemed to enjoy reading it to me. This is like the 4th time I’ve had her read it to me.

T sat the book down and I opened up my bag and pulled out the dinosaur shirt (https://www.target.com/p/boys-dino-p...y/-/A-50912697). I told her that this was the shirt I told her about long ago. I said that I still needed to lose weight to fit into it or the surgery. She said I’d get there. She loved it and we talked about the shirt touched it. I sat it aside and pulled out the blanket. I had put the blanket in a plastic zipper bag (from a set of sheets). I opened the zipper and pulled out the blanket. I told her that this is what I had bought on Saturday at the garage sale. I opened up the blanket. She asked if she could touch it, I said yes. We sat there with it between us, touch it. I said soft, she said soft? She asked me what it was like when I saw it. I said want – desire? I wanted it. It was just right inside. I said the moon and stars, and I touched them. I thought blue and green. She commented on the yellow backing and about it being homemade. She asked me if I had a blanket, I said I didn’t know. I said I had that sleeping bag from age 5-10 or so.

Our time was almost up and I started to fold it away. I commented about it being in the bag to keep it safe/protected (did you catch that was an older boy’s action). I said that it didn’t come with the plastic bag, I did that. T asked me what I was going to do with it (or something like that) I said that I would take it to work. She said something about it being safe there. I said yes. She commented on me finding a bag that worked so well. I said that we’d just bought a new bed and bedding. It was just luck that we had them; a couple different sizes. She commented about me folding it up to just fit the bag. I said that I figured it out at home (on second try). I folded it the same way. Perfections.

As I was packing up, we got to the Roar book. It was still open on the floor to the Expectations for Ms. Mya page. I asked her something like if they fit? She said that she didn’t know about the teach one. I asked her if she didn’t think she taught me stuff. She said not so much like in the book but that we more discover together. I asked her if there was anything she would add to them, what would be her list? She looked at the list and said that is a good question for her. She asked me what would I add, and I asked for me to say to me or for her to say to me. She said either. I looked at the list and thought for a moment, then said it was a pretty good list. She agreed.

I finished packing up, I gave her the journal sheets, we did small talk about Thursday. There was stuff in the way of the back door so she walked me out the side door. We wished each other well, I thanked her. I kind of stood there unsure about what to do. I was feeling close to her, feeling good. It was a hug moment for me. We don’t hug. I thanked her again and headed out.

I thought, “Did you notice that I touched the filing cabinet on the way out the door? I don’t know if you caught that or the fact that on that first day I touched the walls in several places as we walked through the space.”

There were 2 different analogies/stories T used today but I am not sure where they were in today’s session

Round about going around and around not knowing which exit was safe so just keep going around.

Cone – she told the story about people/monks getting some esoteric story/phrase and told to go meditate on it to figure it out and when they would come back they’d get told they were wrong, smacked, and told to go mediate some more.

Both of these were close but not completely right, either.