I just want to be accepted. How hard could it possibly be for people to understand?

For all of my life, I have been the outcast chubby geek who had trouble making friends and being liked by people. My mother pretty much ruined whatever chance for a normal life that I ever had. She had me locked up in psych wards or other places as a way to control me. She wouldn't allow me to make friends like normal children because she would tell me how dangerous that I am to other children when I wasn't a threat to anybody except her because she always tried to control me. The only thing that made me happy was gaming and computers. I spent countless hours either playing strategy games or tinkering with computers alone because I had nobody. Between my mother's lies and emotional drama, being bullied at school every day and even being physically abused by other children who were so called "thugs" because of how socially awkward I was, and the fact that I had no other family that didn't cave into my mother's lies and take her side on everything made it to where all I had is my thoughts, my games, and my obsession with technology. I have always been alone.

I spent most of my childhood suffering because of her lies. I never got to do "normal" things like go to a prom, earn my driver's license, go on a date or kiss a girl, go to parties, or do anything else because I don't know how to do things like other people. I turn 26 next month and it hurts me so much that I have done so little with my life in the last 10 years. I feel like I've wasted most of my youth away and I dread growing older because I am full of despair and regret right now.

In fact, I'm so ashamed with how bad I am with women that I used to lie about it to people on social media and even during my early days of being on this forum. I lost my virginity to a prostitute because I couldn't get a girl to like me for who I am. The only girl that I ever met that found me attractive was a crazy girl who lived half across the country that had all sorts of issues and had a boyfriend already so even if I did relocate to her state, all I was to her was somebody to sate her darker and more messed up sexual fantasies. I'm at the point to where I find most women terrifying. I want to be accepted and loved by one someday, but I can't get over how bad I am with women and my own insecurities. It also doesn't help that I still am a bit out of shape and chubby and have embarassing stretch marks and scars from self harm all over my body. I feel ugly and if a girl saw how horrible my body looks, she would probably throw up and abandon me like everybody else.

Because of how badly I want to be accepted by people, I have this growing obsession with wealth and power. I have all of these grand ideas with wanting to start a business and make a lot of money off doing something related to tech and games. I figure that if I had at least wealth, I could mask my flaws and insecurities from people and hide behind my ego to protect myself from getting hurt. I could get laser removal or tattoos over all of this ugly scaring on my body. I could afford personal trainers to motivate me to get into shape and train me to do so with less work involved and I could afford better food and supplements to look as physically attractive to people so I can have girls want to be with me for once. I could afford a really nice car to further boost how good I appear to people. I could buy a bunch of internet fame, such as friend capped Facebook account, thousands of followers to my Twitch account, millions of YouTube views, a bunch of Instagram follows, a blog website about myself with a bunch of views, ETC. I can do this so I never have to be so lonely or insignificant again.

I'm like this because I'm sick of being the fat chubby socially awkward nerd that nobody cares about. I'm sick of being "that other guy" that nobody wants to deal with. I'm sick of being undesirable by women except those with a lot of mental health issues or those who be my friend out of pity or whatever. I want to be loved and accepted for who I am but I don't see that happening until I become more successful because I have nothing to offer anybody.

How hard must I work to prove myself? How much more will I need to endure to prove that I have value to people? I'm trying so hard to be a decent person but the more extreme my obsessions become, the more prone to corruption I'm becoming. I'm at the point to where for the first time in a long time, I have seriously considered hurting and screwing people over to not just get my needs met, but to develop as much wealth as possible in as short of a time as possible. I spent all morning devising a business plan that is dishonest and barely-legal in nature. I have been thinking about learning to be a better liar and manipulator to get ahead in life. I want to build social skills solely to become adept at bending people to my will. I don't care about the vast majority of humanity because nobody ever loved and cared about me when I needed it the most. I only have empathy for people like me who are outcasts and undesired by their communities because of some so called "flaw" or difference or people that show me some compassion. Everybody else, I see as being no different than my computer.

I don't want to be like this but I accept that I'm too broken and weak to change at this point. If people can't love and accept me, what's the point in even living if I'm going become more undesirable by people the older I become? I want my voice to be heard. I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't take the pain anymore.

If I can't be loved and accepted by somebody, I fear I will fully submit to my inner darkness and become a truly ugly, horrible person.