While this might have something to do with it, that happening is far from being the reason as to why I feel the way I do.

I see a pattern. People always abandon me at the moment of my greatest need. My case manager abandoned me when I needed the support in my life at such a critical moment when I've at such an important crossroads of trying to transition into holding down a job and being self sufficient when I have no confidence and self esteem in the first place.

Prior to that, I was abandoned by my best friend and the one person who I could talk to anything about including my darkest secrets because his relatives had him so messed up from all of the abuse that he ran back to them when I let him stay with me and helped him start an online business since he had trouble holding a full time job due to his MI. He ran off with my money and didn't care that it was Christmas time and I was sick and couldn't donate plasma and had no food. He chose his abusers over me and I hate him for it.

Before that, my step father left the city that I stay to live with his parents because he couldn't work anymore due to his declining health. My uncle left to go to another state too because he is on disability and has trouble living on his own, yet this uncle of mine wont even try to reach out to me. My birthday is coming up and none of my so called "family" will likely care. They were all the family that I had left.

Before that, I was abandoned by the one and only girl that I was able to establish ANY intimacy with because she had a relationship and I was the other guy but wanted more and she claimed I was draining her and pushed me away and she was a freaking psycho who later told me she wanted to kill me to arouse herself sexually. This is the only girl that ever accepted me and told me she loved me at all.

There is a repeating pattern of the type of people that I attract and how many people abandon me. The most probable reason why so many people abandon me is because I am not good enough. Because I struggle with connecting with people, I need material or superficial things to attract people, otherwise, why would anybody care?

My soul (if I believed that I even had one in the first place) is destroyed. I am one with the darkness. I am nothing.