Do I have a mental disorder based on the thoughts and feelings I have been having these past few months? I think that I may have Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Recently I have yearned to have a mental disorder. I know that it sounds bad and I know that the media glorifies mental disorders and that I shouldn't want one but please let me explain. About 3 months ago I was on a trip with a friend and 2 other girls close to us were being annoying and making me very irritated so I said something impolite about them to my friend. She said that I was being rude and that she thought
I might have BPD because of my aggression.

This summer I have been taking a ton of mental tests and hoping for them to come back positive. Most don't or are just moderate and I feel disappointed. The reason I want a mental disorder is because it would make me feel different or unique compared to others around me. I guess it would earn me some attention too although I would never admit it out loud. I have this weird thing I have done since I was young, model myself after fictional characters. I never was into video games very much and read a lot when I was younger which led to me wanting to be cool like the main leads in books.

I wanted to be the strong main character that everyone loved because they always put a smile on despite the pain and they always pushed people away because they didn't want to burden anyone with their feelings and then when they finally do open up everyone seems to love them even more because they were so brave. I always wanted to be able to think like that but I couldn't, I was always way too selfish but I succeeded in making it look like I didn't want to express my emotions or putting on a brave smile despite the pain when really I was exaggerating something to myself that barely affected me. I know that wanting a mental disorder usually means you have one but just of a different type that you don't want.

When I found that out I was happy because either way I most likely had a disorder. I admit I do show symptoms of a few disorders but most of the time they are of my own creation. I do however have a few things I would like to admit that might lead to me having a mental disorder. The first is that I enjoy imagining experiencing intense emotions like jealously, depression, grief, anger, etc when I start to actually feel these things because of real life situations however, all I want is for them to go away. I use these emotionally intense daydreams to help myself fall asleep.

Another thing is the violence I experience in some of these mental scenarios. I will get so frustrated with a person in the scenario and then do something pretty violent to them. A lot of the times I have to press my lips together because I become so angry with an imaginary mental character. A few seconds later I end up talking to myself externally about it. Another thing is my lack of empathy. I feel bad for people that have diseases, are starving, etc but when my friends tell me of small things that bother them I am unempathetic, or when someone is crying I am almost always unempathetic.

I also don't like physical contact, another thing strong book character leads taught me. I want others to be empathetic towards me but I can't do the same for them. Other things are the intrusive thoughts, slight hypochondria, and phone addiction. I am constantly under attack about intrusive thoughts related to my religion that aren't mine at all.

The hypochondria stemmed this year when I started having some intense headaches, I was literally so scared that I had a tumour or cancer that I broke down about it in private about 2 times. The last thing is I guess you could say deporsonalization although I'm not excactly sure.

Occasionally when I look in the mirror I think "Is that really me? Is that what I look like? By the tone of my voice I thought I would look different." I have had moments where I heard myself and thought "So that's how I sound to other people." I felt so weirded out and felt as if I was looking at myself from the outside. Sometimes I am surprised when I look in the mirror because the way I really look differs from the way I imagine myself.

No matter how many times I see my reflection this happens. I can't even tell myself who I am, anytime I ask myself the question all I can say is the physical stuff because I don't understand. Mind you this has only happened 2 or 3 times but I thought it should be discussed, and no I have no alter egos in case you are wondering. I am aware of what DID is. So what do you think?

I could really use some help with this because it's hard to figure out. Thank you and have a nice day!