im fighting the urge to use drugs today. im off of work today and tomorrow. i am glad T noticed things were getting intense and deep in session and helped me come back from it without leaving upset. i did take Elio's advice and tell him right off the bat that i am scared about being there. he asked why and i said because i dont want this to go bad and i end up leaving upset again.

we talked about my using and why i used. talked about my mom which a lot of my anger is centered around. talked about why no one cared back then. how none of those people are held accountable. how i am so mad about that, so i try to ruin myself and ruin my life to show them that it is not OK

T said it is not okay what happened to you, junkDNA.

we talked about my ambivalence towards getting better and recovering. the 2 parts in me that battle daily- which boil down to the part that wants to live and the part that doesn't.

anyway, yeah im bored and craving a high. im drinking coffee and cleaning my house. it is so humid im sitting here in my living room sweating

i freaking HATE SUMMER AND HATE BEING HOT