Thanks, Elio. I hate that I go up and down! I told T that I had a good week and I didn't think about her, and then today happens. It's not about her. I know that but I have to wait 2 weeks until I can correct what happened. Except there's nothing to correct. Nothing "happened" in the session. I think I wanted to feel the closeness, intimacy, with T but I didn't.

To answer your excellent question, I don't see my life changing if I cry with T. It's a stupid goal, and it comes from not being able to express feelings at all, in therapy or out. Not crying with my family or at my parents' or my husband's funerals. Holding back because I don't want people to see....I told that to T today. We've already talked about it. Something that bothers me is I have to tell her things over and over. She doesn't remember. So many times she's asked me if I cry with others and I say no, and tell her I must have cried as a child but I don't remember. I've told T so many very private secrets, so why can't I cry? I just want to, just once, whether it's happy or sad tears. Keeping feelings inside has always given me stomach problems, too.

When I have a session like this, I want to write and write to T. I want her to make it better. Yes, like Mommy. So pathetic. I know I need to soothe myself, and not have it come from T. If I listen to the meditation again, I'll probably cry because I don't love myself yet, and because I did it with T and didn't feel anything. One good point, that I told her. In the past, I never would have been able to close my eyes in front of her for 10 minutes, without panicking. I trust her for that, but not to see me cry.

I feel stuck about my goals in life. I wrote that I will contact 10 places, online or in person, about my art. It seems so hopeless, though. I don't know how to get over my inertia. T keeps saying I have to "put myself out there" if I want the results I want, in my life. I don't know if I have the energy to do it.