H was dropping off D at his mom's after summer camp and was going to go to the gym. I suggested dinner instead, since I had the good news re: nothing suspicious on pelvic scan. Think it was a mistake. He was talking about a bunch of work stuff at dinner, and I'm so fried that I know I wasn't supportive enough. Then we grabbed a drink after. I have a ton of freelance work due in next couple days and haven't been able to focus well or get much sleep because of the health stuff. And I was supposed to take D to speech tomorrow morning. I asked if H could do it (he already had it blocked off on his work calendar for all her summer sessions). And he was like, "FINE, I can take her!" like really angrily. I started crying (yes, in the booth at the pub) and said I was sorry, I could just take her. But then he seemed more angry at that and said he could do it. I managed to get it together and stop crying, but we left soon after (me to go home, him to get D).

I've basically been convinced for a day and a half that I was going to get a death sentence. I tried to explain that to H, but I don't think he gets it. Because his brain doesn't work like that. I'd sent a text to him today after I talked to doctor's receptionist (who said there were no suspicious findings) about how "Now I don't have to worry if I'll be able to go on our summer vacation because I'm getting chemo or will have just had surgery." And he responded with a laughing smiley face. I was like, "Yeah, I was seriously thinking that this morning, I'm not making a joke." And he apologized. Plus I was awake for like 3 hours in the middle of the night looking up ovarian cancer stuff on my phone.

I just hate that I felt more supported through a 3-minute call with MC than from the past day and a half by H. Granted, I tried not to dump on him too much because I think I did that too much with the mammogram the previous week, and he said a few helpful/supportive things, then seemed frustrated by my continued high anxiety. So I closed off a bit. But I was facing one of my biggest life fears...what does it say if I can't really open up about that to the person who is supposed to be closest to me?

In other words: I think maybe we have a topic for marriage counseling Monday...