I am basically okay. Coming to see that my ex is most likely borderline and this is helping me to understand the roller coaster that has been my life with her. I am reading about it (Stop Walking on Eggshells --recommended by my T, has anyone read it?) and finding it so triggering and painful that I can only do a little at a time. But it's also very validating and helpful for me to feel less alone and less stupid and to have more compassion for her internal chaos.

OMG. There's a part at the beginning where someone mentions that their borderline person regularly becomes severely rageful at them (for days) for something they did in borderline person's dreams. It's the kind of thing that is mortifying to admit: my partner is bitterly angry and not speaking to me because I cheated on her in her dream. And for some reason I have stuck around.

I love my children more than anything but having them ties me to her for a very long time, and I really wish I could not have to deal with her anymore.

My T is away this week and I miss the reality check where I say something like: "Here is what has happened now. I feel really crazy. None of this makes any sense to me."
And she'll reply: "Because it's kind of batshit and really not an okay thing to do/say. You are okay. And your sense of reason and integrity can guide you through this." Or whatever she says. I just really need another human to say it. Even if I can obviously approximate what she might say right here and now.