I'm not sure. I think I just want to feel like he's doing something because he cares, because he wants to help me out. And the way he says it, it's like an obligation. Really, with the speech thing, when I was talking about how much work I had to get done in the next couple days, I was (delusionally) hoping he'd offer to take her.

I think some of this right now is my not feeling supported by him when I was scared out of my mind about the medical tests. I was totally in freakout mode yesterday morning and asked him if he could make the eggs for D. I added "sorry" because I knew he had to still make his breakfast too. And he yelled, "Why does the first word you say every morning have to be sorry?" I did tell him, right before he left for work, that what he said hurt me, and he apologized.

It's just frustrating because we've gone over in therapy multiple times with the apology thing. MC made me realize I apologize because I want reassurance. All I want if I say "I'm sorry" is for someone to say "It's OK" or "Don't worry about it" or "I don't mind." But H responds the opposite way, with irritation. And then I'm still looking for reassurance. Yes, I know, I shouldn't have to look for reassurance from him or others. But all he has to do, if I"m like, "Can you make the eggs? Sorry, I know you have other stuff to do" is say, "It's OK, I can do it."

Or, to go back to the other situation--if I say I'm really stressed out and have lots of work to get done in the next couple days, for him to say something like, "What can I do to help?" or offer specific things. When I have to ask for it, I feel needy, and then I feel even worse if he's all cranky about it. I just don't want to feel like a burden.

I also don't want to have to spell out exactly how stressed I am and explain why (like, I have x, y, and z to do by Friday) in order for him to be willing to do something or for him to seem caring. It's like I have to justify my feelings--which, incidentally, is something that MC gets on me about--like he'll say they're just my feelings, I don't have to explain them. But I get that from my mom, who didn't seem to think that, say, my not feeling well or having a bad headache was a good enough excuse to not go someplace. It was like I had to justify and explain everything. So I still do that now. Doesn't seem to make that much of a difference for H.

OK, what it really comes down to is that I want him to show that he cares, that he's paying attention to me and my feelings, that he's willing to listen, that he wants to help me out because he cares about/loves me, not because he's stuck doing it because I'm his wife. Maybe that's just too much to ask for from him--or from almost anyone--I don't know...

Eek, that ended up much longer than I meant it to--was just thinking out loud.