This might be a longer post.
I literally don't know how to live. It is a serious serious issue.
Today the doctor said they only deal with "physical issues" and I should see a psychiatrist. She did give me a depression questionnaire but it's not depression. Last time I missed the appointment with the regular psych. (I overslept) and they didn't want to see me. After hours finally another psychiatrist saw me but said they only have 10 minutes. I explained, they only asked the regular questions (do you have visions, do you sleep) and said "bye". Next appointment with regular psych. is in more than a month (they may only suggest hospital where you simply sleep for days). I looked for social coaching, it is mainly therapists abroad who do that (not here) so you can't see them in person.
I cannot keep like this any more. I am worried I'm becoming an outcast. I go out and walk but I feel alone as I do so, not like I might meet someone new at all. The conversations with any "clerks" stay at the basics ("can I have this, thank you"). I know something is missing desperately. I can't wait for something that might never come. Because I do not make conversational bonds or "entice" someone, what others take for granted. I do not feel close. I exist. Occasionally I feel panic like I want to scream for people even though they're there but we're not talking at the time. I pray, too.
A bit about parent, where we used to go she would just be quiet and say nothing (e.g. restaurant) and that was fine with her. It is rude and not fine. She used to talk to her partner but had distance to me. When younger she thought it fine I hardly leave the house and the several times a year she drove me to see a friend was like she is doing a lot. When there she sees me but does not give it much notice and has zero "relationship". Etc. I can't say exactly what is "it". But it's becoming unhealthy, disordered, wrong in every way. I am alone more or less and it is not intentional, I can not create a life I feel is right. Please help me find an answer.
Do you have any ideas? Suggestions for help? Thought what may be the issue?