This is one of the hardest things for me. There was no smear campaign, although my family ignores me a lot and since most of my "friends" were work related, it got the the point I had no one to hang out with.

I started working on myself, and had to evaluate each relationship on a positive/negative perspective. If there was no positive coming from the relationship (I realize no relationship is perfect and cannot be always positive) and it was consistently draining me I had to cut it.

That left me with very very few people in my life, and quite isolated.... even with a roommate living here I felt that way. I felt so abandoned and alone. Still do. Heck I just lost my job, and the way they did it was the ultimate in abandonment and rejection.

But, a lot of the negative what was hanging around was because I was so negative about myself. My OCD and my overthinking was not only driving me crazy (ok, not only DRIVES me crazy), but draws in the crazy.

I have to take time and do FOR MYSELF at time. Do something good just for me. A long shower, a ride on the motorcycle on my favorite back road a little too fast, an extra scoop of caramel drenched ice cream. And focus on just that moment. Even if it's just 5 minutes.

That is the most important thing. What you do for you.

I know, I still drive myself and my roommate crazy overthink. I heard last night "it's just pizza, stop overthinking it... cook it when you want it ill put it in the microwave when I get home you are driving me crazy talking about it"

I just wanted to make her happy. But it didn't matter. It was pizza. I was feeling insecure and unwanted and alone and just needed to shut up. She left, I took some time to myself, and took a long shower, cooked the pizza, and watched a movie.

She didn't even heat it up. "Damn, this is good cold".

We really just need ourselves. We are social animals, and do crave interaction, but why do we wait for others to invite? I finally started seeking myself. It's hard to break thru the shame of my past to get thru the worthlessness, but I do from time to time. And it's always worth it in the end.

So.

Go take a bath. Watch a movie. Sit in the shade a read a book.

Do something for you. Because it's something you like to do.

And appreciate yourself for it.