Both my therapist and my group have expressed their concern and have directed me to the local resources that can help me put together a plan. I went this week, at my T's urging, to the local DV agency and talked to them about safety planning.

As I'm sure you know, it's not always just as easy as leaving. I'm the sole breadwinner. My husband is an alcoholic and has other mental issues that he's on medication for. If I were to walk away, I'd be leaving the house that I pay for with no idea what he'd do to the place. If I were to kick him out of the house, he'd be living on the streets. He's also threatened to kill himself if I leave him and I can't deal with being responsible for his death either by suicide or by homelessness. I may not love him anymore because of the way he's treated me, but we've been together for 25 years and I can't just let him live under a bridge. I know these sound like excuses to everyone outside the situation, but I have to be able to live with myself.

Honestly, sometimes I wish he would just hurt me. People who've never lived with the emotional and verbal abuse, just don't get it. The friends I've tried to tell about this certainly don't understand and say the worst things to me. I didn't even label this as abuse until about 7 months ago. I've been so depressed and suicidal since figuring it out. There's so much self-hatred inside me for putting up with this for so long.