Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Thanks for the thoughts. But he wouldn't have planned a celebration for me. He doesn't do that sort of thing. Maybe years ago, back when we were dating, he would have bought me flowers or something. But he wouldn't have done anything now. I mean, he didn't even give me a glass clink last night, like "To good results on the scan" or something.
And he told me he didn't want to go to the gym anyway so I was saving him from having to run on the treadmill (which he may not have been able to do because he has a toe injury). 
A lot of it for me is feeling like I have to ask for everything and spell it out exactly when I'm stressed and why. Like I had to say "I have things x, y, and z that I have to get done in the next few days." Just saying "I have a lot of work" would probably be meaningless. I want him to be like, "You're really stressed, so what can I do to help." Or in this case, "I know you were really worried about that test--do you want to talk about it?" Instead he just talked about work the whole time. Which, yes, he's going through a stressful time there, too, so I tried to just let him talk, while I listened and asked questions about it. But I had other stuff I wanted to talk about, too. I feel like something of my anger and tears were from that--feeling like I didn't get the support I wanted either during or after the fact. |
So why not give
him the glass clink? Write him a script: "I could use a little support. I was really worried about what I'm sure to you seems like a routine scan, can we talk about it?" Etc.
But, LT, he is who he is ultimately. You want him to change. He might be able to do a little of what you want, but he is not going to become this romantic supportive guy. That's not just with you, it's probably with anyone he'd married.
You have to decide whether you can live with that or not. He has to decide the same about you - e.g., forgiving you after your one-nighter.
Also, I often get the feeling your anxiety triggers him. Anxiety in a spouse, if prolonged, can be pretty taxing even on the non-anxious spouse, who has to give reassurance a lot (again and again, and you start wondering "why can't x do this for themself?") and adjust their life in other ways (e.g., future ex was so terrified about doctors I had to go to every appointment with him, which usually caused pretty big stress in my work life as well as ultimately resentment). You recognize you have serious anxiety, are you on medication for it? CBT? You often say you need to learn to reassure yourself.