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Originally Posted by atisketatasket
So why not give him the glass clink? Write him a script: "I could use a little support. I was really worried about what I'm sure to you seems like a routine scan, can we talk about it?" Etc.
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I do things like that sometimes, but probably need to do more of it. And I've tried to give him scripts of how to respond if, say, I'm having a panic attack. But he might do it half-heartedly one time, then it's like he forgets we ever talked about it and goes back to his unhelpful response of seeming irritated or being like, "I know you're panicking!"
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But, LT, he is who he is ultimately. You want him to change. He might be able to do a little of what you want, but he is not going to become this romantic supportive guy. That's not just with you, it's probably with anyone he'd married.
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Yeah, I guess some of it just seems fairly simple to me. I don't mean like him completely understanding me or able to read my mind and know what I want. But to just say "It's OK" when I apologize or am stressed about something? That takes less energy than the stuff he usually ends up saying because it's shorter. Or to just recognize that if I'm really busy, I might need support in some way--like him being in charge of D for a couple hours, understanding if I can't get the dishes done, etc.
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You have to decide whether you can live with that or not. He has to decide the same about you - e.g., forgiving you after your one-nighter.
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This is part of my issue and what keeps coming up for me. I'm wondering if I'm looking for outside fixes, like suggesting to him we get a dog (which we might do after vacation at the end of the summer), since animals tend to calm me. Or thinking I might want to pursue a PhD, which I know is a totally different direction, but like something to make myself feel stronger. And also to possibly go in a different direction in the field i got my master's in.
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Also, I often get the feeling your anxiety triggers him. Anxiety in a spouse, if prolonged, can be pretty taxing even on the non-anxious spouse, who has to give reassurance a lot (again and again, and you start wondering "why can't x do this for themself?") and adjust their life in other ways (e.g., future ex was so terrified about doctors I had to go to every appointment with him, which usually caused pretty big stress in my work life as well as ultimately resentment).
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Yeah, plus his mom has bad anxiety, so it affected him growing up (and now), and I guess he saw however his dad dealt with it (they ended up divorced, and he's now with someone who is basically the polar opposite of his mom). I've tried to bring that up in marriage counseling before, because I wonder if he thinks of me like his mom, but he claims it's not that. And seems to act like nothing from his childhood/past affects him in any way. (Which is kinda the opposite of me.)
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You recognize you have serious anxiety, are you on medication for it? CBT? You often say you need to learn to reassure yourself.
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I've tried a whole bunch of medications for that and depression (there's also OCD in there). I've found stuff that's helped with depression and some have helped a bit with anxiety...but many meds (some SSRIs, SNRIs, and Wellbutrin) made my anxiety much worse. Which my current psychiatrist (only been seeing her 6 months or so) said is a marker for bipolar II. We've been trying things to treat that, but several things we've tried (Trileptal, Gabapentin) have been so sedating, even at a low dose, that I have to lay down partway through the day. I really don't want to go the benzo route, and I've heard p-docs tend to be reluctant to prescribe them regularly anyway. So I end up relying some on Benadryl at times (which is also a bit sedating...) and/or on alcohol (which of course isn't healthy). So I don't know... Currently on Zoloft and a really low dose of Abilify (like half of the smallest tablet) because any more than that and I become super-irritable.
Tried CBT when I first started with my current T >5 years ago, but it doesn't really seem to work for me. She's well-trained in it, so it's not that. I think it's like my brain just overrides it. I've found mindfulness and yoga help some, and I need to get back into doing them (I mean, I just started doing more yoga 3 months ago, so I've only been away from it for a few weeks).
So...yeah, not sure of the solutions there...maybe I should ask my p-doc to try something else? T has suggested maybe one of the older tricyclic antidepressants or an MAOI, but those scare me a bit. So I don't know.