First of all, I am sorry you were feeling so bad and I hope you are feeling better.

I *definitely* think you need to talk about this openly with your therapist—all of your feelings about him, not wanting to tell him things, wanting to cancel appointments. I think this event has stirred up a lot in you. In my experience in therapy, it has been talking through the “ruptures” that occur between me and my therapist that has been the most helpful, more helpful than anythign else we talk about.

It is a conundrum that many of us struggle with, that our therapists care for us, but we also pay them. I read once somewhere once that we pay them for their time, but their caring is free. I know I personally have fantasies of wanting to be taken care of by my therapist, to merge with him, to somehow have him fill a great abyss of need I feel inside of me....For me, the money I pay him is a useful reminder that he can’t do that for me—that no one can—or perhaps only I can—even though at this point I believe he truly enjoys being with me and truly cares for me, maybe even loves me.

Your therapist did spend significant extra time with you. He did provide crisis services. If you’d known he was going to charge for them, would you have not wanted him to come? If not, why not, if the amount of money was not really the issue? I hope questions like that will get explored in your therapy.