Hi, I'm new here, sorry to post a serious post without getting to know everyone first and offering support. I do hope to support people on here in the future I'm just struggling right now.

On Tuesday I woke up and felt so, so intensely suicidal, more than I remember ever feeling before. I live with suicidal thoughts almost daily but since Tuesday I've been in a really bad crisis place. It's not that anything has really happened but I'm struggling to deal with my emotional pain and the fact that I achieve very little because I'm so anxious etc. My CPN was going to admit me to hospital but there are no beds in my local hospital and she thought that admitting me to an unfamiliar ward would make me feel worse so I've to get phone calls each day from the crisis team. I'm not finding talking about things to be very helpful any more except sometimes when I'm talking to my psychologist but I only have 3 psychology sessions left.

I don't want to keep getting to this point where I feel like things are too overwhelming to cope with. I'm not strong enough to keep going through life like this. I'm terrified of being on the phone so the calls from the crisis team aren't helping and when I need someone to talk to I'm usually afraid to call anyone so either end up self harming or trying to force myself to sit in one place or go to bed to stay safe. There is nothing I enjoy in life and I only stay alive because I don't want to hurt my brother as I am really the only close family member he has and we have been though so much death and trauma already. I just don't know how to feel better. I can't cope with this pain any more.