"Honestly, sometimes I wish he would just hurt me. People who've never lived with the emotional and verbal abuse, just don't get it."

I felt that way a thousand times. I've searched books to describe what my abuser did to me, I searched laws. It's like I wanted to read somewhere exactly my story and see a big red label that said "ABUSE" or "danger: get out of there". Something that would make it easier to get away from him or lock him up. It's just more complicated than that. Please have compassion for yourself because it's a complicated situation that you didn't create and your didn't ask for. Many people like myself didn't see the situation for what it was in the beginning - I was in my 30s before a therapist helped me to understand that what I experience during childhood was sexual abuse. The abusive relationship is distorted when you're in it, it's many-layered, that's why it's so hard to remove yourself from it.

He's not your responsibility. Your safety is your primary responsibility. "I have to be able to live with myself." -- The important word here is LIVE. You can't LIVE in this situation any longer. It's too dangerous.

You will be surprised at how well an abuser bounces back. He won't like it, he may try to make it hard for you, but he will land on his feet just like a cat. They always do.

Focus on the steps to get yourself out of this situation safely and responsibly, one step at a time, day by day. You have a very precious gift to give yourself: Life itself.

I know what it's like to feel like scum, but I know this with every fiber of my being: You are deserving of all the love and peace that this world has to offer. Nothing you can do will change that.