My CPN is now on holiday for 3 weeks so the only way I could be admitted is if I asked my psychiatrist next week or if I was assessed in A&E and they decided I should be admitted. The thing is I don't want to end up back in hospital because it will cause my brother so much stress. I know that my death may be more painful for him but selfishly I wouldn't be here to see him hurt. I'm trying hard to hold tight through the intense waves that are frequently happening.