Quote:
Originally Posted by StressedMess
LT you know what I want? I want your husband to be up front and actually SAY to you "I feel (fill in the blanks) when you say sorry all the time, I'd rather you ask me then say thanks." That way you aren't compelled to apologize and you aren't reading his mind waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Maybe he could tell you his reactions to your actions instead of seeming angry.
|
Thanks, Stressed. It would be helpful if he could explain why he's so bothered by my apologizing or my other reactions. I think he's just not that in touch with his feelings, so it's hard for him to explain why--he just knows he finds it annoying. Like, OK, I should stop saying it so much, but he could also tolerate it a bit more. And I'm saying it for a reason--yeah, I shouldn't be so insecure, I shouldn't be so anxious, I shouldn't worry about him being mad at me. But I am. And I feel like I need for him to understand and accept that and for him to try to accommodate me a bit. I really think I'll apologize less if he accepts it more, if that makes sense. Like if a kid keeps acting out to get attention, if you give the kid more attention in general, they're likely to act out less. So maybe I need, like preemptive reassurance? Or something like that.
Hm...maybe also his being annoyed at my apology feels like a rejection...especially because I do usually genuinely mean it. Like, I'm not just saying it.
Tonight, since he came in the house 10 minutes ago, I have twice said, "I'm sorry about x...oh wait, no, I'm not sorry." In an attempt to not say it so much. (Like that's not more annoying!)
Quote:
Maybe MC could recognize that both you and your husband could make changes. He could stop making you feel left out of the man-club and implying that you are the only party at fault.
Those are only my thoughts after hearing your story, not meant to offend.
|
No offense taken! I did have the talk with MC about feeling like he thinks I'm the one with all the issues who has to change. He said it's not that he thinks I'm the screwed up one--I'm just more open to talking about things like my family of origin and various issues (anxiety, etc.) I have more than H. So we end up addressing my stuff more, just because there's more to discuss. It does feel sometimes like MC wants to "fix me" in a sense (and the fact that I go to him for support at times probably just reinforces that...). From stuff he's said, he's dealt with many of the same issues as me (anxiety, emotionally absent father, etc.). So maybe it's easier for him to suggest how I can deal with those issues, because he's had to learn to deal with the same things.
I'm thinking next session we need to talk about some of these issues, like my apologizing and H's reaction, with H saying he'll do a favor but acting annoyed about it, etc. And talk about how we BOTH can take steps to improve communication and our relationship. If MC starts going down the "Well, LT, here's ways you can handle that," I'll just put a stop to it.
I'll stop rambling now!