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Originally Posted by artemis-within
Except now that I know she can't handle it, I feel like I have to protect her from it. Might need a new t for this exploration. Sad thought, that.
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How do you know she can't handle your anger?
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Thanks for that perspective. Maybe I need to outline what I would want from him in different scenarios. And that way if I ask when those scenarios come up, it won't seem like a surprise.
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I don't think that will really help, because our logical minds go out the window if we are feeling emotional in the first place, and i doubt anyone would run through a list of "Okay, she is saying/doing X here...rigghttt...I need to do Y" and then do it.
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Originally Posted by junkDNA
Studyingggggv
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Good for you for going to T's and not buying drugs <3
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Originally Posted by atisketatasket
So why not give him the glass clink? Write him a script: "I could use a little support. I was really worried about what I'm sure to you seems like a routine scan, can we talk about it?" Etc.
But, LT, he is who he is ultimately. You want him to change. He might be able to do a little of what you want, but he is not going to become this romantic supportive guy. That's not just with you, it's probably with anyone he'd married.
You have to decide whether you can live with that or not. He has to decide the same about you - e.g., forgiving you after your one-nighter.
Also, I often get the feeling your anxiety triggers him. Anxiety in a spouse, if prolonged, can be pretty taxing even on the non-anxious spouse, who has to give reassurance a lot (again and again, and you start wondering "why can't x do this for themself?") and adjust their life in other ways (e.g., future ex was so terrified about doctors I had to go to every appointment with him, which usually caused pretty big stress in my work life as well as ultimately resentment). You recognize you have serious anxiety, are you on medication for it? CBT? You often say you need to learn to reassure yourself.
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ATAT always says things better than I do. I had a friend in HS who apologized over e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. My mom would miss her turn into the driveway when she drove her home, and this friend would apologize profusely. It got so bad that we eventually banned her from saying "I'm sorry." haha.
From all that i've read about your interactions with you and your H, is that you want him to want to help you in some way; reassure you that its okay, know what to do when you are panicking, want to be able to take D so you can have time to work...etc...etc.
You can't make anyone "want" to do anything, and I think ATAT said it perfectly that it might be something you need to accept, or decide if you can accept from him. That it might have to be enough to take out the anxious apologizing, and say "Hey, I have a shite ton of work to do tonight, do you mind taking D to swimming." If he says yes, even if it seems like he is all huffy about it, just say "Thank you, I appreciate it." Sometimes when I am asked to do stuff at work that is out of my normal routine, but still within my job description, I act all huffy, when really, it takes me a minute to adjust to the change, and it is fine.
Maybe he is similar that way?
That being said...i call BS on his childhood and his mom's anxiety/his parents divorce had no affect on him. He does seem to react snappily at you pretty easily. Marriage is a two way street, and if he isn't willing to look at himself and his reactions. that is on him, and not on you.
I guess you have to figure out what you can live with, and just accept some of it, but also realize if H doesn't act like he's still pissed off about the cheating, try to believe him. Just because you don't make as much money doesn't mean you are less than.
Okay...I will stop rambling now!