Today's session... not my usual write up. Today was Birthday Celebration day. I had decided that it would be break the rules day. When everything when bad at the beginning of T's vacation, I put in place rules of engagement regarding T. Rules to keep me safe from T and rules to keep me from intruding into T's life.

Here are those rules:


So, break the rules day... I started by asking if she had anything she wanted to about because I had a lot to go through. My passive way of checking to see if she had anything for me for the Birthday Day. She didn't and I was not surprised.

I pulled out the list of rules. We went through them. I asked her if she thought I had acted like there were other rules. She said something about the journal but wasn't sure if that was a rule or a by product of the rule. I had pulled back significantly on what type of stuff I was sharing with her in the journal. Lots of stuff I didn't feel safe telling her. I asked her what it was like for her to see them. After a pause... she said it was wonderful. Not that they were wonderful or that she was glad they came into place but wonderful that I was sharing them with her.

I then brought her the milkshake that we were to share. She tried it and liked it. Chocolate, Peanut Butter, and Blackberry. I actually go to this place that is about 40-60 min drive away to get it. We talked about the nuances of the milkshake how each sip tasted slightly different due to the peanut butter and blackberry not evenly dispersed. She thought that someone should be selling it as an ice cream. I was very happy that she liked it.

Then came sharing from the different parts. I shared with her a board game that i'd talked about before, one that a friend of mine made on Kickstarter. It had just come in so we opened and looked at the art work on it and the different pieces and such. After I told her that the part of me that likes the game, the strategy, the analytical stuff, I attribute to the older boy.

Next I pulled out my tablet and I went through a playlist I had put together on You Tube. About halfway through she came over and sat next to me on the couch. We didn't listen all the way through any song, just the first bits of the songs. I shared with her the wide range of music I liked and told her why I liked some of it. When we were done, I told her that the younger girl had wanted to do that for awhile (I'd written about it before). She smiled, warm smile.

Then I pulled out a picture book I got from the library yesterday called the fix it man (https://www.amazon.com/Fix-Man-Susan-Hood/dp/0062370855) and asked her to read it. She had moved back to her chair and I was on the couch. She asked if we should sit on the floor. I said we were fine, then decided that I wanted to sit closer that I would sit on the floor then she joined me. I told her that I got it just yesterday and that I didn't know the whole story but I liked the ending. She read the story to me. It ends with an egg cracking.. then breaking as a bird is hatched.. and the concept that somethings can't be repaired but need to be broken for something new to be created. I told her that after the last few weeks/months, it felt right. Again smiles.

Then back to our chairs. I told her about wondering how I would feel coming to celebrate my birthday and not getting anything from her. I told her that it felt hard and disappointing. I pulled out the letter I had written and put in an envelop. I told her that I wanted her to read it and then give it to me. She took it and read it. Then she asked if she could add something to it. I said yes. She said she just wanted to sign it. I said that was fine. So she signed it and then she wanted to write more but stopped herself but said that she wanted to do one thing. She put the letter back in the envelop and started doing something on the envelop. I couldn't see. This is what she did..


I thanked her.

I then went to give her my journal. There was some stuff in it that I had hoped we'd talk about today but didn't. I warned her about that stuff and said we would talk about it and that it was ok if she read that section.

Next, I turned to the list and asked her how many of the rules have we broken. And we went through them. I had a few more to go. I turned to her and told her "I love you". She looked directly at me and as openly as possible, she said, "I know". I told her that I think I figured out the reason I know works better for me than ok. To me ok, is like yeah yeah, whatever. I know feels like it is persistent, it lasts beyond the moment and is carried with her, even when I am not around.

I packed up to go.. heading out I said I needed to use the bathroom. When I came out she was coming by and I stopped her and put my hand out to shake hers. We grasped each others hand in both of ours as we shook. I thanked her for everything. She thanked me for coming and sharing my birthday.

After I left, I took the picture of the rules and emailed it to her, breaking the last of the rules.

I am about to send her another email ... to further break that rule before the day is up. The rules are not gone. I feel the struggle inside to keep them in place. I know they need to go in order to heal from this rupture and to get back on track. It's hard and there is a big part of me that is scared to let her back in that far.

I love her and feel warmth from her today. Good session. Left me weird in my head a little - still good.