I talked to my T earlier this week. She gave me exactly 5 minutes on the phone. The goal was to try and go this week, bullsh-t to buy me time for the insurance reimbursements to kick in and end things on a fade-out note, which I have NEVER been able to do once attached.

While on the phone with her, I asked her if she intentionally triggered me. she said no. I told her how I drove away crying, numb, tears flowing out of my eyes. I felt like I was 10 years old and re-traumatized and she didn't even see any of this. I had just repeatedly asked her to "see" me and she didn't notice how I was struggling. She said we could go as gentle and soft as we needed and that her office was "safe," but I'm not sure if it is or really, what's my motivation for going- so what if she starts to bill me. She's gonna get paid (through my insurance).

I told her it hurt when she called me "rude" and said, "it's not always about you, (my name)" in a tone that I've never heard her speak to me before, but if I'm being honest, our connection began to wane the month before. I didn't feel her engaged with me.

Her reply was an animated, "I don't mean to intentionally hurt you, but you've been like this since day one. I'm not going to sugarcoat it anymore. They're your relationships. I don't care if you I'm stored as a contact in your phone, she (my friend) does. I don't. You're the one damaging your relationships, not mine." I've only heard her speak to me once before like that, when she called me rude the week before, but she had backed out of that energy and eased up when she saw my reaction. This time she was harsh the entire time.

Judged. Shamed. Guilted. At 16 years old, I shut down. I haven't had a female platonic connection from 16 to 35- now for my T. I shut down because I just wasn't good at it. Those damn "more-than" feelings for girls that ended up being an attraction. From 18 to 33, I didn't even let myself explore the possibility of getting close to a female. When I shut down, I...shut...it...down. Cut that part of myself off. I stood there, waiting for her to give me an appointment time, thinking "I can't let her see me cry. If I can make it to the car, I'll be safe."

I pondered doing that again after the last session (going numb, shutting down again, detaching from all of my feelings). Near the end of session, I told her what I needed as far as feeling "seen" and asked if she could provide that to me...she said "yes" while looking at her computer monitor. At the end of session, she asked if I wanted to see her stationary and I barely maintained composure once I walked out the door.

I just don't know if I can fake it to buy me more time for the insurance reimbursements to kick in. If I cancel, I'm going to have to pay the $125 fee. Ugh...