My sessions start by my T opening the door of his consultation room, saying hi and letting me in. I will take off any overclothes I have and sit down. Then there is silence. I'm supposed to start talking but I won't. I stare out of the window or the edge of the carpet. If I haven't started talking in couple of minutes then my T starts himself, trying to make an observation about I look like am feeling or anything like that. No questions because I wouldn't answer them anyway.

In the end, when the time is up, he tells me that we have to stop for today. Then couple of things can happen. Either we have been able to connect, in which case I get up, put on my clothes, turn to him and look him in the eye, we shake hands, I go out and still keep his gaze while closing the door. If we haven't been able to connect and I feel detached or angry then I just go out without any handshake or looking at him. If we haven't been able to connect but I feel that I can't leave without it then after his time announcement the feelings come in rushing, I do still mostly get up (but not always, sometimes I just keep talking hoping to get something to hold on to and if I get this something then I can leave as usual), put on my stuff and while shaking hands I will grab with the other hand around him and he will give me a short hug. After that I can leave.

The strange thing is, although sometimes it seems very difficult to leave and I might leave crying or very upset or whatever, after 15 minutes is almost always totally fine. In the rare cases it isn't I will call him and after the call it is mostly fine. I guess I have reached the point where I think that the difficult young feelings accessed in therapy session should stay to the therapy room and I don't hesitate to use any means I've found to work for me to leave them there. Short calls work for me quite well because when I'm calling I'm a different person than the one who leaves the therapy session angry and/or detached.