I guess it boils down to I don't feel safe and not sure I can trust her.

I had a lot of judgement, guilt and shame growing up. I had physical abuse and that I could handle...but the emotional comments from an attachment figure are much different for me.
If I wanted her to help me to recover from physical abuse, you wouldn't abuse me again, would you? Slap me around?

If you know I have these huge wounds re: relationships and I've always have had my attachment figures hyper critical, would you reinforce that by pointing in my face and say, "You're the one ruining them!" Because I left feeling like I should shut down again. The only thing that stopped me was having a strange interaction with a complete stranger who revitalized me in that moment and gave me hope.

My mom would point at me and say, "You're too much for these girls! You get too attached. It's you, not them." And what happened was that I shut down. She was right,
I mean, she's my mom. But now I have the option to NOT listen to this person and say F you. What I worry about happening is that we r so entrenched, she and I,
In what's going on between us and I have other things I'd like to get to. A broader picture

And is someone who consistently says "oh God, not again" when I slightly jokingly tell her it's hard to be there because I feel attached. But then again, God forbid I be real and not chuckle once or twice and say,
"it's hard for me to be here."

Working with attachment is working with trauma. It lights up a persons nervous system. I've read professionals discuss that you touch on the trauma and pull back. You calibrate accordingly, because it stirs up toxicity in the body. Last week was complete overload. Too much that was unintentional. That scares me. I'm starting to realize how much faith I'm putting into this person to help re-wire me. I also dont wanna loop patterns, because quite frankly, I could get that from my family and not pay them.

I struggle because I'm avoidant.
I also pick mean women to become attached to
I'm also codependent
I loop and loop and loop to stay attached rather than detaching
One of my lessons is to let go
Do I want to relive exact replicas with a professional who should yank me out of
The water when I'm drowning

I start to make a decision and then I see it from a million different angles and get stuck again. But standing there, judged/shamed, wanting to run to a safe place to cry and my attachment figure being none the wiser...how do I repair that in the duplication of
It? If I bring this up today and she starts to take it personally and we spend time talking about how I want her to fail, what then?

Where's catharsis? What's healing?

What I need is not judging, guilting or shaming. I need that as much as I need a whipping with a belt. I've had that plenty.