I think for some reason my mind doesn't want to admit that sometimes I'm afraid of him physically. I've been walking around for days now with a very low-level feeling of anxiety. Night before last, I said something he didn't want to hear and he told me "I ought to kill you for saying that." I responded "well come on then." He came back with "No, really, I ought to kill you." He wasn't in the same room with me and didn't come near me, but it's like he's growing more comfortable saying out loud that he'd like to kill me. He's said it twice this week.

According to him, his psychiatrist has been telling him that it's healthy for him to express his anger. She's not aware of several major factors though. First, that he's an alcoholic. She's also not aware of the way he treats me. The way he's expressing his anger is not good. There was an "incident" two weeks ago during which he came into the kitchen where I was doing stuff and started doing things like picking up the toaster and slamming it hard onto the counter and slamming the cabinet door right next to me so hard that the handle is now crooked. I was really scared during this incident. I've been extremely jumpy around any loud noises he makes since then.

I feel like his psychiatrist is unknowingly giving him permission to act like this and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with her. I've never met her. I'm sure I've been painted as an abusive bully and I'm not sure she'd believe me if I told her what was really going on. I've been afraid to talk to her because I'm a terrible liar and I don't see how I can keep his alcoholism a secret and discuss our actual problems. He thinks she will take his medications away from him if she learns that he drinks. The only reason I've never spoken to her is because I'm afraid of him getting angry at me for making him lose his medication. (He's on adderall and clonazepam.)

I think he's also actively portraying our relationship way different than it actually is. He claims he told her that we had sex recently. We haven't had sex since last August when he decided to ignore me when I asked him to "please stop" multiple times. He didn't violently force me, but I did not want to have sex with him. I could have physically stopped him, but I didn't want to hear whatever mean things he would say to me if I forced him to stop. He claimed later that he thought I was playing out some sort of rape fantasy with him, something we'd never done before. He said it was "super hot". I just felt violated, but in a very confusing way. I feel like I ought to be over this incident by now, but I just can't move past it. It's not like a stranger attacked me in an alley. It's been almost a year. Why do I still feel hurt over this?