Wow, I've been to a LOT of forums over the years but this one get's an A+ in my book!. You people are so supportive and kind. I love you all and hope that you and your families have a WONDERFUL Christmas!!:-).

Well, on another note (not so bright and cheery), I slept in very late this morning and each time I woke up I felt very sad and depressed. I just kept thinking to myself "why should I even bother to get up?", "what do I have to live for?" and "why can't I just fall asleep again and not wake up?". I woke up at one point and felt like crying. I was deeply confused about how I felt, frightened and depressed.

Finally, I did manage to pull myself together long enough to get up and take a long walk. When I got back, my room mate was up and I said "good morning" and then proceeded to start getting stuff out of the freezer (frozen pies, cookie dough, etc) so that I could get all of my baking done ahead of Christmas. While I was doing this, a tub of baking soda fell out and spilled all over the floor and this was enough to set me off. I said some naughty things and then slammed the tub of baking soda (or what was left of it) into the sink, breaking it and then slammed the cupboard door which then came off of it's hinges. I did this only a few feet away from my room mate.

So he got real quiet and depressed looking and did'nt speak to me for awhile and I knew right then that something was wrong so I finally asked him what was bothering him and he repeatedly told me that he did'nt want to talk about it. Finally (after much prodding) he told me that he just did'nt understand my behavior and that it was unnecessary and I "frightened him" and "he did'nt know what he was going to do about it". At this point, I had a major depressive/panic spell thinking to myself "oh great, I've spent weeks planning for the perfect Christmas and now I've just ruined it". I felt horrible. I felt like crying my eyes out.

I then got really combative, angry, depressed, sad, anxious, etc but in a more composed way than I had yesterday because I still had at least some hope for a cheery Christmas and did'nt want to ruin it completely. I said a lot of hurtful things to my room mate and about Christmas and it's almost as if I was subconsiously TRYING to destroy Christmas before it even arrived. My friend/roommate who *had* been in a bright and cheery mood was becoming more and more sad and depressed and I felt just horrible myself. I was bumming us BOTH out!.

Finally, I decided that I needed to go take a Celexa, a Lorazepam, pull what was left of me back together again and get busy preparing for Christmas. I patched things up with my room mate, put on a happy face and took my meds. Now I'm baking cookies. I still don't feel what I'd call "happy" but I know it will take time and in the interum, I am basically running on "auto-pilot". I also have these mild sharp pains running down the back of my neck along with an occassional vibrating/tremor sensation in my head from time to time as well as some scatterbrained-ness and forgetfulness like I am losing my mind or something. Man, it's like the Devil himself timed this just so he could ruin our Christmas.

Well, thank's again to ALL of you. You are truly a wonderful and supportive bunch of people and finding this forum was the best thing that could have happened to me - although I wish I felt better so I could actually return the favor and start helping other people here:-)

Warm regards and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!