One of my biggest fears is that I will stay paralyzed by not knowing what I want or how to figure that out, and that I will continue to live in a way that's unfulfilling so that I either resent my husband once our children are grown, or that I'll give into it and disappear altogether as an individual.

I also fear losing my children and/or my husband, but I lost my father unexpectedly when I was young and I think that rewired my brain in a weird way around grief. I expect to lose my husband young (there's nothing that would make this logical). My kids, I just don't think I can allow my mind to really think through what that would feel like, so somehow that helps me avoid the fear - does that make sense? On the occasions where they've been away from me and for whatever reason that fear/anxiety does get triggered, it's all-consuming. Somewhere in my past, I think my brain figured out a way to barricade my conscious mind from those feelings, either by constantly preparing for/expecting tragedy (like in the case of my husband) or insulating itself against thoughts of it (like my kids).

It's been awhile now, but when I'm in the depths of my depression, my biggest fear has been how suicide would affect my family. Not fearing the dying so much, but how to do it without bringing them pain or struggle. Honestly, that fear has kept me around on more than one occasion.