To be able to trust her and do this kind of deep work, you have to feel deep down that she can handle whatever you bring to her. Angry stuff, embarrassing stuff, intense love and hate, whatever. She has to be able to absorb and understand it all and gently give it back to you in a processed form without being tripped up by her own anxiety, fears, and vanity. This would, at a bare minimum, require that she not tell you about how off-kilter she gets about these somewhat low-grade problems you two are having with the therapeutic relationship.

It might be useful if you try one or two other therapists so you can see if you can feel (not simply understand, but actually feel) what therapy is like with somebody who has a different approach. Maybe see if you can find somebody who has extensive experience with attachment and/or trauma and talk to them about all this stuff that's coming up for you. You're clearly struggling and getting more confused the more you think about, so it might help to experience something different instead. Talking to somebody else about all this stuff (if that's a possibility for you) might give you clarity about how to move forward.