Dear PrevT,

Therapy today. We talked about a few subjects today until I was ready to land on an emotion-filled topic again: me vs. the autism spectrum. T's youngest son is on the spectrum. I asked her if he was aware of his differences? She said, yes, and it can be heart breaking.

I talked about my feeling of connection to Susan Boyle (who was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger's). I'm still wondering if some of my struggles are due to me being on the spectrum, too? I know you said, no, that's not for me. But I can't shake this deep intense feeling not knowing what is wrong with me!

It's SOMETHING.

I can't reconcile how trauma can cause me to feel so god-awful different than other people?! I walk around in this world pretending I'm normal, but I know I'm not. T says it was the neighborhood kids' abuse and my beatings at home...then later the abuse I suffered from Pdoc#1 and pdoc#2.

But I've ALWAYS been this way. Even my TEACHERS didn't like me. WHY?
I kept returning to grade school all hopeful and happy to see the new teacher, the bright colors, the activities....but I was always in trouble.

Even when I excelled in choir in middle school...I was the only kid in my CLASS to receive a FIRST PLACE in our district-wide solo competition. The competition was held at (University) and I WON. When my class's choir instructor called me up front to receive my medal and certificate, he sneered, "Here." I'm not making this up. I know he was unhappy none of the other class received a "first" but he hated that *I* had received one.

I'm saying, I have always been odd. I have never belonged. My Bluebird scout leader didn't want me in their troop! I was just a little kid.

These people, these teachers and scout leaders were objective people. They didn't know about beatings at home or bullying by neighborhood kids.

Everyone saw me as different! I kept hoping it was just that I was immature and I would catch up....or people would eventually be less cruel. That never happened.

I don't have brain damage. It can't be that. If I had Asperger's then everything would make sense. If I don't have Asperger's then nothing makes sense!

I can't explain, even to myself, how PTSD alone is responsible for how I interact in the world.

I have had siblings ask, "What's wrong with YOU!?" How can I explain it's because dad beat me? The children bullied me? This happens to MANY children and they get along in the world.

They don't feel alien!