I graduated from university in 2009 with a BS in statistics. It took me seven years as I changed majors a few times; performed inconsistently on a regular basis(e.g. start the semester strong, typically maintaining an "A" average only to drastically fall to a "C" or "D" or sometimes an "F" or occasional "W" after the first 1/3-1/2 of the semester whereupon I've had professors write "what happened?" on exams as I uncharacteristically began scoring poorly) which resulted in me taking courses two or three times, although on an irregular basis with equally challenging courses I would start the semester strong and finish strong as well(I'd occasionally receive comments from advisers acknowledging this discrepancy).
In my opinion, the only reason I graduated and wasn't kicked out of school was because 1) my transcript reflected the many hours from enrollment in music ensembles and private instruction(I was(am) a bass trombonist and I had a buffer of several hours of "A's" from music courses which countered my "C" or lower non-music coursework) and 2) although I had a "C" average(started the semester strong followed by "C's" on exams and "A's" on homework, which carried a lower weight) in the one class that I was enrolled in during my final semester, which was required for the stats degree, I'm pretty sure I failed the final and the only reason the professor gave me a "C" for the class was because earlier in the semester I'd informed her I was experiencing bouts of depression and also because I'd been accepted into the graduate program at the New England Conservatory of Music for a master's in music performance.
So, I graduated in 2009. But, I couldn't attend NEC because I couldn't find the funding to cover tuition and living expenses. That was a heartbreaking blow.
2010 rolls around and I begin experiencing noticeably more extreme bouts of depression. I was first diagnosed as suffering from depression when I was five or six years old and I dealt with it on an irregular basis throughout my academic career. But, what I was experiencing in 2010 was much more severe.
2011 comes
2012 I finally receive a diagnosis of bipolar type 2. During this year or maybe the next is when I notice the cognitive deficits. I complain about them to my psychiatrist every few months or so. He prescribes me ritalin and transitions to a high dosage of adderall; ritalin definitely had no effect and the adderall had a very slight if at all noticeable effect. These were to mitigate my attention deficits. I also frequently complained about my abrupt deficit in memory function. Finally, in maybe 2014 or 2015, after telling him that I wanted to see a neurologist because I thought I'd sustained brain damage from my
in 2011 he explains that there is a positive correlation between bipolar disorder and memory impairment, specifically working memory.
His explanation provides clarity as I'd found myself, since 2011, having noticeable trouble with reading comprehension as I'd forget previous sentence(s) or even material earlier in a sentence that I was currently reading as I progressed through whatever I was reading. Now, this is/was very unfamiliar and fear-inducing as prior to 2010 I was always reading novels, textbooks, etc.; more frequently prior to college. I also had problems with spoken conversation as I couldn't remember the content of conversations. I generally began feeling like a complete idiot.
Aside from experiencing problems with working memory, I've also had noticeable and harmful problems with episodic and semantic memory. All of these issues with my memory seem to have begun between 2010 and 2011.
In 2013 I enrolled in a graduate program at a small state school in New Orleans to work on a master's in statistics. I performed surprisingly and consistently well my first year, earning a relatively high GPA. But, in storms my memory impairment. After the first year, during the summer, I forgot pretty much everything I learned. Hours upon hours spent studying very difficult material. My depression also comes back with a vengeance that summer and never really abates. I earn all "B's" the first semester of my second year under the cloud of moderate depression. The second semester I have "A's" going into finals, but I'd been under severe duress the entirety of that semester. I have a psychological collapse the weekend prior to finals even though I was prepared to take the finals and more than likely would have gotten "A's" in those classes. But, I ask to receive incompletes, which my professor grants. I plan on finishing the classes over the summer, but I've now forgotten everything. The next semester rolls around whereupon at that point I was going to have to relearn the semester's worth of material that I'd forgotten. It was an overwhelming idea and I was permeated with anxiety that was compounded by severe bouts of extended periods of depression. So, I applied for and was granted a medical withdrawal. The medical withdrawal put me in the situation of having not completed the required completion ratio of classes taken and passed versus classes taken so I no longer qualified for financial aid. Therefore, my graduate school career was over.
It's now 2017, two years after my last semester of graduate school. I remember nothing, aside from being able to recognize stats material, from any of the stats courses I took not only in graduate school, but also from my undergraduate career.
I'm faced with an insurmountable dilemma: finding a job. There really isn't anything that I'm qualified to do although I do have experience from an internship at an accounting office as well as clerical and accounting duties performed while working at a couple of law offices. The problem: I don't remember how to do anything from those past experiences. It's a situation that exacerbates my anxiety.
I've considered and found two options.
1) Try for a career in trombone performance and instruction and/or music theory instruction. Problem: I remember basically none of the theory I've learned. Solution/Problem: study independently of university environment, however, I need the structure of an academic environment otherwise I have no motivation. Solution/Problem: attend graduate school for music, however, there's only one reputable school that guarantees full-tuition scholarship with stipend upon acceptance -> highly competitive.
2) Try for a career in computer programming in regards to data analysis as I have training and background. Problem: A) I'm only familiar with 1/4+ programming languages used in data analysis and I don't remember that single language, B) I'd have to learn three+ other programming languages, C) I'd have to relearn two semesters worth of theoretical statistics material as well as linear algebra, some calculus, and other stats material, D) it has been established through previous experience that I'll more than likely forget studied material before I can apply said knowledge cumulatively.
In general, currently, I've found that because of my memory impairment and attention deficit I'm at an impasse as I'm hesitant to engage in tasks that require a sustained mental effort.