I have been with my fiance for 7 years. She has two teenage daughters who have been like my own since they were 8 and 10 years old, respectively. We were in our twenties when we first got together and so have gone through a lot of challenges and growth together. We both came from homes where our parents fought a lot, mine divorced when I was 9 however, and hers stayed married.
One of the problems has persisted over the years and I am only now recognizing the enormous impact it has had over the years. It is almost impossible for her to accept her share of blame and responsibility for our problems. She is quick to point out my behaviors but becomes very defensive when I am sharing my concerns with her, even taking it very personally when I discuss the girls. And, when I point out my needs or feelings, they are often invalidated. And worst of all, whenever I finally start getting upset for not being heard, there is usually an argument that ends with her angrily breaking up with me, usually calling me some kind of emotional bully or abusive manipulator.
This has gone on for years now, and when it happens, she almost always becomes like a different person. Sometimes very angry and insulting at first, but always cold and unapologetically cruel. She starts to cut off communication, swears she has tried to get away from me for years, brings up the same handful of my mistakes and insecurities and seems to only remember our low points and not the hundreds of days in between that have been so wonderful. Usually, I end up blowing off whatever my concern had been and fighting to save our family. Eventually, she seems to almost snap back from a cold and unfeeling person to the loving and compassionate woman I know her to be. She cries and says she doesn't know why she does this and I forgive her and often look inward for how I can grow and overcome my problematic behavior. I have recently started to see how these breakups have caused her to avoid accepting blame and, while I have had to grow and overcome many of my issues, she has been avoiding most of hers which makes me feel unloved and sounding like a whiny broken record.
She has started therapy about a year ago, and eventually vowed to not get angry and break up with me anymore. However, after a few months, it got much worse. She would get angry but insist that she wasn't and that she was perfectly calm. There was a string of breakups where I would come back depressed and frustrated and soon be thrown out again. She even started to get the girls involved in our conflicts and by showing them only her side, has painted me into an angry monster and turned them against me. I finally told her the breakups and refusal of accountability are abusive and I am not going to allow it anymore. After which, she went into complete denial, called me the abusive one and a master manipulator, she minimized and devalued all that I do as a partner and step-dad and seemingly discarded me for good. I have no allies, the girls seem to hate me, her family is against me I have had to move out of our home and start over.
But, I still love her and can't stand to give up on my family. I have no other family and they mean the world to me. I don't see how she can become so unwilling to consider examining her own behavior and unfeeling as to blame me for everything and leave me feeling hopeless and alone. I have suspected that she may have a personality disorder like Borderline or Narcissism, but most of the time she is very loving, It just seems like when she gets triggered by certain things, Mr.Hyde comes out, and now it seems like Jekyll was the mask the whole time.
I don't know what to do and I have recently started to examine the whole relationship and the huge amounts of damage this behavior has caused and I am complicit in it by allowing it to go on for so long. Anytime I have mentioned these things, she accuses me of trying to convince her she is crazy. And it seems she is starting to get close to the topic with her therapist, which makes me hopeful, but seems to be bringing a lot of chaos to the surface. Should I just escape and give up even though I love her and know this is all wrong or should I keep fighting for my family and be hopeful that she will honestly address the issue with her therapist?