am i the only one that struggles with substances?

i feel isolated, left out, such that i dont fit in and that maybe others with similar symptoms dont relate to me or wants anything to do with me because of this

i have tried going sober many times, things didnt get better...
just complicated...

self medicating makes things more bearable, relieves pressure...
but brings on other challenges as well...

currently things are really difficult for me because i've been going through a crisis... i've lost all sense of identity... im trying to find myself... trying to fill a void and stuff stuff inside so i dont feel so empty... so that i dont get sucked into a bottomless pit of despair dragged to the hospital...

im having a real difficult time because i dont want to go back to therapy and talk about this stuff because im afraid of making it worse AGAIN... because all the time i spent in therapy stirred stuff up and made me like this and i just want to try to stabilize and make things normalize... so i dont have anyone to talk to and feel really alone and dont have any real friends that i relate to or trust or that know what im going through or anything like that

and i feel like people here dont really want to hear me because of my substance challenges, but its not really my fault you know because i grew up around drugs and alcohol so i was introduced to it when i was really little...

although im not using very frequently due to money challenges...

im just trying to figure myself out and not getting very far... i feel so strange when i try to think about myself because i dont know who i am, i dont know whats inside of me, i just feel a gaping hole, a vast emptiness consuming me sucking up everything that i encounter trying to become something, just something... but its not me, when all i want is to be me, but i dont even know who is me and it makes me so upset... because its the only thing in the world that i want... i just want my life, a life, to live life

im at the point where i dont know what to do anymore, so i've been doing nothing

just letting go...