its just that i've tried to do it their way, you know?

i've taken so many of their drugs... tried being sober... and the medications didnt work...
the symptoms nearly killed me or making me want to kill myself...

its like, i know what works... a few things work, they make me feel better, i can function... and i dont know if its because i've been doing it for so long or not.. but it does... and i feel normal, im not really happy any day... i just feel empty as usual... or dissociated... but atleast when im high im not thinking about how ****ed up my life has been, how much pain im in, or how much i dont want to be here any more...

i strongly disbelieve that i have bipolar and believe that i am borderline personality... but my NP doesn't really talk to me about borderline she still believes the firsts psychiatrists dx about bipolar just that its not bipolar I but that its bipolar II ...

but i fail to see it because if it was bipolar i would believe that the medications would have helped regulate stuff a long time ago...

and yes i know drugs and alcohol can interfere with it thats why i tried it their way and went sober for a while which did not change things and things just continued getting worse...

only recently since giving up have things been seeming to get better... besides the extreme empty feeling consuming me...

im really not here to argue or be defensive, im here because i do want to be happy and healthy, but i dont know how or what to do, i dont know how to see myself that way or where to go, i've been to rehab but i got worse when i got out of rehab...

i just dont know and feel like i might be wasting my time and everyone elses time anymore... like maybe i should just give up completely, especially since i have been feeling better... like maybe this is just how i am supposed to live...?

i started using alcohol and weed steadily when i was like 12 years old... so its like the only coping skills i know... i've tried to learn new skills but its like they just dont do anything, i guess because im just so used to the instant gratification or somet stupid bull...

i dunno, maybe i am really just wasting everyones time