I have wondered that too. It was in the back of my mind during it all. About 6 years ago (it may have happened the same year I went to the psych the first time), my H finally quit drinking. By this time, it had caused him some terrible health problems and suddenly, all he could think about was starting a mission to extend his life. He constantly spoke of how I would be around years longer than him in a very envious way. All this did was make me think of my mom and how I could be the one who could go first. I was also preoccupied with the fact that I felt like the quality of my life has been better than what my children's have been. And I feel like I was suffering from PTSD from enduring Hs drinking problem. I have never talked about it because it's in the past and I feel like I have moved on from it. But his preoccupation with his health lives on....