i'm so very sorry for your loss i also found my mom dead. she was on the floor by her bathroom. her hands were blue. i should have tried to give her cpr but i was in shock and froze. i just called 911. like your aunt, my sister blamed me for what happened. even the waiters at her favorite restaurant said why didn't i watch over her better? i felt so guilty for many, many years. all the should'ves and could'ves. i saw many therapists trying to feel better but it took a long time. you are in shock right now but please talk to someone to get your pain and guilt out else you will be stuck in your despair. even if you can't find someone to listen, just talk out loud to yourself, or post here or journal. try whatever way you can to get your feelings out. it's been nine years since my mom passed. i have worked hard at sorting out all that happened. i made mistakes, not intentionally of course, but my mother's decisions also played a factor in why she died the way she did. i have let go some of the guilt but i continue to work on coping with what is left. time has dulled the pain.

your mom's drinking, the root cause of why she even began drinking, your father's death, the ensuing grief, depression, plus the meds and probably other factors beyond your control, are what finally killed your mother. you tried very hard to keep your mother safe. you were a good daughter and there was so much love between you two. hold on to that love. don't feel bad that you didn't know your mother was reaching out for you at the end and that you feel you weren't there for her. i know if you had known, you would have rushed to her side. but that's just it, you didn't know. and i'm sorry no one was there for you afterwards especially your husband. sometimes it is hard for another person who has not gone through the same thing to understand our grief. and being the child of two alcoholics might complicate things even more. have you tried or considered grief counseling? some places do a sliding scale on their fees.

how are you feeling these days? we are here to listen so please post as much as you need. my thoughts are with you.