i dont know..

at the clinic they are trying to get me to be sober, but my insurance doesnt really cover alot...

they have done a lot for me and are working with me, talking to me about stuff and stuff...

but i guess maybe im just wasting everyones time.... like, i did go to rehab this year.. and since going to rehab i haven't been drinking as much, i detoxed from alcohol while there but when i got out i just kinda got worse ... my symptoms hit me hard, i got worse, and just started to want to get high more... not with just weed

i dunno why my symptoms got worse though.. im thinking its because i was forced out of my shell because i would stay at home and hide a lot and not socialize but then i had to go to the city and be around people, but not just people, other drug addicts and alcoholics too... and i really dont like the city... and didnt really like socializing or being around people at that time... so i guess i had to create a new character or something...

i ended up getting high in rehab even...

so i really am just wasting everyones time... im starting to think that this is just the way that my life is going to be for ever... i mean its all i've ever known anyway, but i just feel more lonely every day because i dont see any girl ever wanting to be with a guy like me no matter how kind, sweet, caring or whatever i am because of my habbits

i just feel like if i could find myself, i would stop chasing the dragon...
i lost myself a long time ago... through all the childhood neglect, abuse, drama, pain, misery, everything

now i feel really really lost, confused, and empty... i don't know what to do besides to continue doing what i know will hold me together so that i dont fall apart or hit another severe crisis... i cant afford it... i dont want to feel the pain any more, i dont want to suffer any more, i dont want to...

im not happy right now, but im not sad... im not depressed... im not angry.. im just empty... and empty isn't too bad right now... its ok, i guess... its so much better than the misery of wanting to die, feeling the intense pain inside screaming out that one just doesnt belong on this planet, doesnt need to be alive, and stuff..

i guess i just need more time... maybe things will come together...