Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul
i dont know..
at the clinic they are trying to get me to be sober, but my insurance doesnt really cover alot...
they have done a lot for me and are working with me, talking to me about stuff and stuff...
but i guess maybe im just wasting everyones time.... like, i did go to rehab this year.. and since going to rehab i haven't been drinking as much, i detoxed from alcohol while there but when i got out i just kinda got worse ... my symptoms hit me hard, i got worse, and just started to want to get high more... not with just weed
i dunno why my symptoms got worse though.. im thinking its because i was forced out of my shell because i would stay at home and hide a lot and not socialize but then i had to go to the city and be around people, but not just people, other drug addicts and alcoholics too... and i really dont like the city... and didnt really like socializing or being around people at that time... so i guess i had to create a new character or something...
i ended up getting high in rehab even...
so i really am just wasting everyones time... im starting to think that this is just the way that my life is going to be for ever... i mean its all i've ever known anyway, but i just feel more lonely every day because i dont see any girl ever wanting to be with a guy like me no matter how kind, sweet, caring or whatever i am because of my habbits
i just feel like if i could find myself, i would stop chasing the dragon...
i lost myself a long time ago... through all the childhood neglect, abuse, drama, pain, misery, everything
now i feel really really lost, confused, and empty... i don't know what to do besides to continue doing what i know will hold me together so that i dont fall apart or hit another severe crisis... i cant afford it... i dont want to feel the pain any more, i dont want to suffer any more, i dont want to...
im not happy right now, but im not sad... im not depressed... im not angry.. im just empty... and empty isn't too bad right now... its ok, i guess... its so much better than the misery of wanting to die, feeling the intense pain inside screaming out that one just doesnt belong on this planet, doesnt need to be alive, and stuff..
i guess i just need more time... maybe things will come together...
|
this raises questions with me..... in your post you stated....
"i ended up getting high in rehab even..."
some reality testing here.. mental health units and rehab makes a person go through detectors and a search process, even visitors now have to go through a process where there are items like drugs, alcohol, sharp objects like razors, knives and such are not allowed through the check points/ guards/ nursing stations and so on. there are cameras everywhere too even in the bedrooms so that the nursing station can know when someone who is detoxing is having problems or shooting up or snorting, vaping, ingesting. theres also blood tests and such....so Im wondering how it was possible for you to get cocaine, weed and meth while in rehab. my suggestion is if you were able to get your drugs while in rehab you might want to tell your treatment provider and the rehab. thats a serious security breach and can actually cause someone else who may still be on the unit or going into the unit problems that can result in their deaths, then the rehab would lose their licencing and the treatment providers in legal problems. Im sure they would probably thank you if you let them know how you got your stuff and that their security process is not working before something legal happens to them and those they are caring for..... I also wonder how the state didnt discover this breach in security. here in my city the state hires someone to play the part of an addict trying to get their fix while in treatment to see if the security process works. Wonder if your location has the same process and how this breach was not detected before now. like I said this raises lots of questions for me.
that said I agree give it some time. and my opinion is stay off the drugs and alcohol. it takes time to get through that withdrawal and cravings part. you said you went a year before, maybe set your self a goal of one year and one day and see what happens. just one more day past what you already know you can accomplish.